‘The point is, I understand what you’re getting at now, Harper. Not only does it read like the work of AI, but whoever gave the prompts for the novel has a serious lack of knowledge about how a woman’s body functions and exactly how it can bend for crying out loud!’ She dissolves into giggles. ‘In a certain intimate scene, their limbs just couldn’t have gone that way unless they were both completely boneless. In the end, I had to call Tyler from next door to try it out – fully clothed of course – and nope, cannot be done.’
I shake my head. ‘You just wanted an excuse to call Tyler over!’ Lily is the love-them-and-leave-them type who doesn’t want to be bound by a long-term relationship. She’s more a situationship type of girl. But she has been eyeing the new neighbour since he moved in a few months ago.
A titter flutters down the line. ‘Yeah, there’s that. A girl can only ask to borrow a cup of sugar so many times, if you get my drift. But you’re right aboutBang, Bang!It’s hard to pinpoint how it’s so obvious, but it just is. There’s no flow through each chapter, no real plot to it. If you’re the type who likes a book loaded with spicy scenes, it might not hit you over the head as much, but it really does feel robot written. It’s salacious, but why?’
That’s exactly it! It reads almost like each chapter is just an explicit scene that has no link to the previous one. There’s no character growth, and the story doesn’t develop except the spice ramps up. ‘Vindicated! Well, that’s why I’m calling. I finally got the dreaded email from Tia’s legal team.’ I read it to Lily even though it’s mostly gobbledegook to me.
‘What does all that word salad mean?’
I wrinkle my brow. ‘I’m taking it to be a cease-and-desist type thing. There’s a clear warning that if I disparage Tia’s name on or offline again, they will progress with a case against me. As for the rest, it’s hard to make sense of the legalese.’
‘Do you need a lawyer, you think?’
I settle on the stool by the bookshop counter. ‘They asked for my lawyer’s details. Like, yeah sure, I’ve got her on speed dial, let me send you her number.’
‘Right, who has a lawyer except trust fund babies?’
‘Do you think it’s best to reply or just leave it?’
‘Leave it for now,’ Lily says. ‘I bet they’re monitoring your social media and making sure you’re not campaigning against her under another name or anything like that.’
I’ve been too heartsore to check my backup account in case the internet trolls found that it is linked to me. They’re savvy like that.
‘OK. I’ll leave it for now and hope they let it go. How’s it going with Mai?’
‘Urgh, she’s a nightmare. I had to call her mum and get her to intervene, so now Mai’s giving me the silent treatment.’
‘What did she do that would make you call The Mums!’ The Zhou Mums are only called in Defcon 5 level situations. They’re like a hurricane blowing in, leaving nothing standing in their wake. They bring the fun and the entire extended family but you wouldn’t want to get on their bad side because the lectures are lengthy and soul sapping.
I’m met with a long sigh. ‘Mai decided she’d have a housewarming party and invite all of her Snapchat friends. Her Snapchat friends. Like, aren’t we supposed to be keeping a low profile because of the doxxing thing and she’s inviting randoms from Snapchat?’
I’m sure Mai hoped an incel or two would appear so she could Krav Maga them, just for kicks. ‘How many people turned up?’
‘A lot. Luckily, they didn’t get very far because I came home just as it kicked off. I was supposed to be going to Kent to stay with my mum, but I got caught up at work and decided I’d head over in the morning instead. So I got rid of them all, but Mai kept on, saying I was ruining her social life and she’d never live it down.’
‘Who has the energy for house parties these days? We’re really showing our age.’
‘Right? Nineteen-year-olds! The next morning Mai went into damage control and rang my mum and told her I’m being too protective and interfering in her social life. My mum calls and lectures me about being a supportive older cousin. Can you imagine! So I called Mai’s mum and told her about the impromptu party. These petty games one must play when you come from a family like mine. No one likes The Mums being involved and – I know how infantile this will sound – Mai started it.’
I let out a laugh. ‘Oh God, you called in the big guns and now you’ll never hear the end of it with the whole gang there.’
Lily and Mai’s family, which consists of many aunts and uncles, don’t mind stepping into their kids’ petty arguments. In fact, they downright delight in it. It’s an excuse to come to London and be together, cook and referee squabbles while doling out life advice over spicy xiao long bao dumplings. I love the Zhous but I’m never on the receiving end of their punishments, which I’m thankful for. Punishments that consist of long visits where Lily loses the will to argue and admits they’re right and she’s wrong.
‘Yeah,’ Lily sighs. ‘The gang’s all here. Mai and I have been unceremoniously booted out of our beds for the foreseeable and are forced to share the sofa bed, so you can imagine how that’s going. The girl is up all night, headphones on, hunched over her computer without any concern that I’m trying to sleep on the bloody sofa bed and have work the next day like a regular human.’
‘Up on her Twitch stream all night, is she?’
‘Yeah that and secret squirrel meetings with the gamer nerds, plotting world domination each time they play Call of Duty, or whatever it is with all the guns. I’m trying hard not to be that person, but she could pick up a book, you know. I even offered herBang, Bang!, and guess what she said?’
‘Oh, let me count the ways – romance is trashy? It’s formulaic? Too Hallmark?’
‘Nailed it!’
If it’s one thing that grinds my gears it’s when the uninitiated denigrate romance novels, or try and lessen their importance in literature. ‘She’s a typical belligerent nineteen-year-old, who thinks she knows better than the rest of us.’
‘Like you were?’ I can’t help but tease. Lily was much the same at that age. Only used grunts to communicate with her family, bent the rules so much there was many a Mums intervention, because they worried she’d slide off the rails. She didn’t, of course, she just went through a sullen stage, and Mai is only following in her favourite cousin’s footsteps.
‘Hey! I was going through my emo era.’
