“Thanks for playing that song for me,” she said when I reached the door.
My back was to her, and even though we were a few feet apart, it felt like she was pressed up against me. I didn’t turn around before I opened the door and closed it behind me, too afraid to look at her again when I had so little restraint left. I just needed to hold on to that until she moved out. It couldn’t be that hard, could it?
20
Avery
Headstones were weird. You spent your entire life creating this memory of yourself through the family you made, your work, achievements, passions…all to be dwindled down to a few words carved into a rock above your decaying body. And people came to stare at said headstone when they had perfectly good pictures of you at home. I mean, I get it. No one wanted to think they were forgotten about after they were gone. That was why we tried so hard to leave our mark on this world. But I liked to think my dad wasn’t just hanging around his grave, waiting for us to visit. I hoped he was with us when we weren’t thinking about him. I hoped he was there every night Danny was onstage, playing guitar, doing what he loved most. Or when Mom danced around in the kitchen to Dean Martin as she made dinner.
I didn’t know what parts of me were still parts of him anymore, but I hoped he was there anyway.
I stared at the marble slab sitting in front of me, watching my mother place the white roses below the carved words in the stone.
David P. Fox.
Beloved husband, father, and musician.
Gone but never forgotten.
Forty-two years, and that was how he was remembered. Well, that was how most people would remember him. I was left with a different memory of my dad. One of him in his final moments. One that would stay with me until I was lying six feet under, just like him.
My eyes wandered to the tiny little gravestone next to his, knowing I had come close to having my name stamped across it. Instead, a woman named Fiona May, who’d lived a life twice as long as my father, lay there.
Danny rested his arm over the top of my shoulders while my mother was still kneeling with her head down.
No one said anything. We never did. Mom usually shed a few tears but hid them from us, as she did with most of her emotions, and Danny was always very quiet and solemn.
I miss you, Dad. So fucking much.
Danny let out a long sigh, signaling us to wrap up our visit.
“What a waste,” Danny muttered under his breath as we headed through the long grass to our cars.
Mom stopped halfway and spun around. “What did you say, Daniel?”
“I said, what a waste,” he repeated louder.
“Your father’s life was not a waste. He might’ve been here for a short while”—her voice broke—“but he was a wonderful man and an even better father to you two. And although I wish you didn’t have to take after your father in some ways”—she narrowed her eyes at Danny—“I’m glad he rubbed off on the two of you before he left us.”
The muscles in Danny’s jaw danced as he dropped his arm from my shoulders. “I didn’t mean his life was a waste. I meant, his death was.”
“Everything happens for a reason, sweetheart. Even if it hurts us.” She sighed, fidgeting with her scarf.
“Really? Fate? You’re going to chalk up Dad’s fatal fall from a fucking bridge to fate? That’s bullshit.” He raised his voice.
Mom pointed a finger in Danny’s face. “Watch your language, Daniel!”
My eyes burned with the guilt of knowing the truth. But I couldn’t tell them. I could never tell them. It was better that way. “Guys, stop it. Come on. Not today.”
Danny balled his hands into fists, contemplating his next words. “If you hadn’t had to go into work that night, if you didn’t put your job before everything and everyone else, Dad would’ve come to my gig instead of hers!”
“Here we go again.” Mom rolled her eyes. “I am so sick of you putting this all on me, but I wasn’t in the car that night!”
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe if dad hadn’t loved Avery so goddamn much more than he loved me, he would’ve still come to my show anyway,” Danny said, piercing me with a brief glare.
Tears welled in my eyes. He wasn’t wrong.
“Maybe all of you are to blame,” he added.
