“I’m sorry. How long have you and Ewan been separated?”
My throat goes dry, and I reach for my water bottle and take a drink. “We were never legally separated. He just left. That was about ten? Eleven years ago? We were practically babies. High school sweethearts.”
Ewan and I met after we separately had sneaked out of the house one Friday night at age 16. We were both already on punishment, but no way were we going to miss the kegger at Rowdy Fraser’s uncle’s house in the mountains.
It was instantaneous between us. He asked me to slow-dance to “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran, and I noticed how big his shoulders were compared to most boys our age. His hands on my waist felt like my heart was opening up. I was no longer a kid after that.
I wanted to know Ewan, and we spent all night talking outside by the bonfire, buzzed on cheap beer.
That outing got me double-grounded.
From the moment we were back at school the following Monday, Ewan and I were inseparable.
Once our grounding was over, he would come over with his guitar and play along while I practiced piano or violin.
My grandma did not like him, but my dad hired him part-time at his garage.
Both Ewan and I were supposed to stay home over spring break, but Rowdy, being Rowdy, picked us up in the middle of the night without even asking. We all had a kind of sixth sense about each other back then.
“Were you wanting to see him? Was he in your thoughts at the time? Had you been speaking to him?”
I look at the counselor. “No,” I reply. “And I don’t know if I’d want to see him. I said some terrible things. And he’s been gone too long. It’s all too much to think about.”
“Too much? How?”
I snag a tissue from the box on the coffee table in front of me. In case I need it. I think I might be coming down with a cold.
“You know, when you have your first love at that age, everything feels like it means the whole world. A breakup is the end of everything. We all say things we regret.”
She nods. “And what did he say to you at that time?”
“Ewan said…”
The clock ticks. She sips her tea. The rain patters on the sill.
My heart pounds as I remember the way Ewan’s dark eyes flashed as we said our last words to each other. It was so ugly.
I might as well give the counselor the rundown.
“We were 19 and had been married a year. I could see Ewan was getting restless in our little town. We finally had a conversation, and Ewan said there were no jobs for him in Songbird Ridge and that he didn’t want to work at my daddy’s garage forever. He wanted to make his own way in the world. I said, so do I. I wanted to get into the artist’s guild, but it would take time. Out of the blue, he comes home one day saying he’s going to enlist in the Army. We argued. I said, if all you care about is getting out of this town, then you don’t care about me at all. He went ahead and enlisted. Ewan said he would have toreport for basic training in two weeks. I said like hell I’m going to be a military wife. I’m a North Carolina girl. And he said he could request a basic airborne course and get to Fort Bragg, or what’s now called Fort Liberty. And I said no fucking way I’m going to Fayetteville. He said I was acting like a princess. He said he didn’t need my permission to get a real job. And I said, “Teaching piano is a real job.” He said I was delusional. And then I flew into a fit of temper and told him I didn’t want to see his face again for the rest of my life. And he left.”
“And that was the fight that ended your relationship as you know it?”
I nod, dabbing the tissue at my nose. Someone should dust in here. I’m allergic. “It was on Valentine’s Day.”
“Maddie, do you think it’s possible that you didn’t see a hallucination? Is it possible that Ewan is back in town?”
“No. People would have told me. At least, I hope so.”
The counselor glances up at the clock face. It reads 11:50.
“That’s all the time we have today,” she says. She tries to get me to schedule another meeting next week, but I decline.
“Thanks so much,” I say, “But I feel better now.”
And I do feel somewhat better, having said his name aloud. Lighter.
Like I’ve worked through things, and I’m ready to put it all behind me.
