“What are you saying?”
“I don’t think you should be my guide anymore.”
“Jensen—” he steps close. “No,” he croaks.
“Yes.” I inhale deep, my expression steely. “Otherwise, I may keep waiting for you to change your mind, and I won’t do thatagain…” Tears prick in my eyes, their sting further blurring my vision.
“It doesn’t need to be like this… I can still be your guide. We can still train together?—”
“No, we can’t…” I sniffle, trying to hold back my tears. The emotions boil over inside, resembling a pot left too long on the burner.
Though, isn’t that what I’ve done? Catherine warned me at the start of this to be careful, but I still played with the fire of my feelings for Garrett. It’s my fault that I got burned. I should have listened to my head, ignoring my heart, and stayed away.
“Jensen…” He scrubs his hands down his face. “I…I don’t want to hurt you,” he says, his voice gravelly.
“Too late.” I swallow against the twinge in my throat. “I don’t think we should train together anymore.”
“No.”
“Yes.” I meet his stare and push as much icy determination into my own as I can. Even if this shreds the already tattered pieces of my heart, I know this is what’s best.
“Jensen, don’t do this,” he says, his tone desperate.
“I’ve made my decision… I’m sorry.” With a shuddered breath, I grip my cane and straighten my spine. “Now, I’m going to go into the bathroom to cry, wash my face, and then come back to our friends. We’ll smile and pretend this didn’t happen because I don’t want to ruin this for them. Tomorrow, I’ll find someone new to train with.”
“No.”
“It’s for the best.” I push away from the wall and move to the bathroom door.
“Jensen…please,” he says softly, gripping my elbow and halting my steps.
“Turnip,” I whisper.
It’s too much. My resolve is already crumbling with internal protests not to do this. That I’m strong enough to have him as just a friend. But I’m not. The idea of only crumbs of Garrett twinges dully inside me.
There will always be a part of me that will want this man. I know that deep in my bones. This isn’t a sappy love song where he’ll realize we belong together by the last note. He may be the man I’ve been waiting for, but I won’t wait anymore. Not for someone. Onlywithsomeone.
“Turnip.” He releases me.
With a deep breath, I open the bathroom door and step in. “Goodbye, Garrett.”
19
MILE NINETEEN
JUST KISSING
“Ican stay,” Catherine offers, running her fingers through my hair, as I snuggle against her on my sofa.
When I opened the door post my ugly bathroom cry at Bread, I found her standing in the small alcove. She knew something was up the moment Garrett returned to the table, in a rush to leave. Telling Anker a lie about me having “lady issues,” we grabbed comfort pastries from the bakery and took a raincheck on breakfast. Considering he’s a doctor, Anker gets unreasonably squeamish about my period, so he asked few questions.
Since then, she, Kayla, and I’ve been debriefing over pastries and many, many cups of tea. Both my friends reassured me that I did the right thing. As much as I realize this isn’t like with Chase, it doesn’t hurt any less. With Chase, he didn’t want a woman like me—not as a girlfriend. With Garrett, he wants me, but won’t let himself have me.
Whether it’s his grief or guilt about being with someone else, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, he doesn’t want me enough to try. To work through the scary things together. I have my own things to deal with, but I’m willing to do that with him. If he’s not willing to do it with me, then there’s no future for us.
“No. You two have plans.” I sit up.
Despite my friends’ plan to drive to San Diego this afternoon, they’ve postponed to stay with me. I’m grateful, but they’ve done enough. Kayla is speaking at the National Jane Austen Society’s conference as their breakfast keynote tomorrow morning. With several literary big-wigs speaking at the conference, including one of Catherine’s favorite romance authors, a writer known for Austen retellings, she’s Kayla’s plus one.
