“Hand maintenance?” I guffaw.
“I’d imagine holding the rope, especially as we increase our distance, may rub and callous your hands. Thought these could protect them.”
He traces slow patterns against my palms that are either the number eight or an infinity symbol. I’m not sure which, but whatI am sure of is there is a bonfire of emotions within me. Each stroke against my skin stokes that fire just a little more.
“Garrett…” I sniffle, already losing the battle with my emotions. There’s no prick of tears to push back… They just come.
“No… Please don’t cry,” He runs his hands up to my face, wiping away tears from my cheeks.
“God, I’m so obnoxious.” I push my glasses up and wipe at my eyes. “I’m sorry. This happens when I get overwhelmed with emotions.”
“I remember, but I still don’t like it… I don’t like making you cry.” Sighing, he presses his forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry.”
“Please, don’t apologize. You didn’t…” My brow wrinkles. “Well, you did, but it’s not bad. It’s sweet. It’s just…you’re so sweet and thoughtful, and I’m already failing us.”
“What?” He pulls back.
“These gloves.” I motion between us with the gloves. “You’re holding up your end of this partnership, and I’m not. I was a mess Wednesday night, because I couldn’t trust you and this…” I hold the gloves up again. “You’re so trustworthy, but…”
“But what?” His whispered question drips with worry.
“I don’t trust myself.” I cast my gaze downward. “I don’t trust that I’m not making a mistake.”
“With me?”
I look up at the pain in his voice. “Yes.” My admission is so quiet.
“I can’t promise you that I won’t fail you?—”
“No!” I shake my head.
I fold my arms around his torso, so he doesn’t just hear what I’m about to say, but feels it. “Please understand me, this isn’t about you not being amazing or me not trusting you. It’smeI don’t trust.”
“It’s okay if you don’t?—”
“But I do trust you.” I tip my head up.
He lifts his hand and cradles the back of my head. “I believe you.”
“Outside of my family, I don’t have a lot of close people in my life besides Catherine and you. Kayla is becoming a good friend, but she’s still new. We know I pick terrible men to have romantic feelings for, but I’ve also done that with friends… In high school and, again, in college. I told you about those sorority girls…”
Besides Dr. Nor, I’ve not really talked about this with anyone. Not my parents, Anker, or Catherine, but I want to tell him. Part of trusting someone is letting them see you at your most vulnerable. Each time I expose myself to this man, he remains in front of me. He doesn’t run away. He doesn’t leave me behind or tell me I’m “too much” to deal with.
I swallow down the acidic taste of the raw emotions of what I’m sharing, and push on, “I found out they only wanted me to rush to help with their reputation at a frat party they’d dragged me to. I’d never been there. I wasn’t familiar with the house.” I wipe at my eyes. “They convinced me to leave my cane, so I could just benormalfor the night. Their words, not mine. They thought it might help me get a boyfriend, which they were teasing me about. After I found out that they were only using me and said I didn’t want to rush, they ditched me there.”
“Fuck… You didn’t have your cane. How did you get home?”
I clear my throat. “Anker was gone that weekend for a track meet, so I didn’t know what to do. He was the only other human I knew here. I stayed pressed up against the wall for what felt like forever, hoping someone would come along or they would come back. They didn’t, but some drunk frat guy came along, and he got handsy and…”
“I’ll fucking kill him,” he snarls.
“He didn’t get far. Chase came along. It was before he and I started our whatever that was. In fact, that’s how it may have ramped up. Before that night, he was just the nice guy who worked at the student union with me. He rescued me that night.”
“Only to break your heart another night.” He sighs.
“Yeah.” I wipe at the tears that wouldn’t stop coming.
I don’t want to be this woman. I don’t want to be standing in front of a man, that deep in my marrow, I know will never hurt me, crying about those who did. A woman who is anchored down by her past, when she just wants to run free from it.
