The blood in my veins turns to ice, snatching away any warmth I was feeling. I step away, turning my back to him and approaching the stream.
“Nothing that matters,” I say, but the words feel hollow, even to me. Raven’s silence stretches, heavy and expectant, and for a moment, I consider telling him everything. The words hover on the edge of my tongue, but the memory of Keres’s hands, his voice, his cruelty, slams into me like a wave. I swallow hard and turn away. “We should leave before first light.”
“I need to know what we’re dealing with.”
“What you already know is enough to guide our next steps. First, we rest. Then we leave Eretria.”
“El—”
“Raven, I’m not talking about this now. I need a moment alone.”
Silence follows. I can feel his eyes on me, the weight of his unspoken questions. But I don’t turn around, don’t give in to the urge to explain myself. It’s too much, too raw, and I need time to process everything that happened.
I remain still until his footsteps fade into the night. Only then do I finish undressing and dip myself into the stream. The icy water bites at my skin as I scrub away the dirt and sweat, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t wash away the feeling of Keres’s hands on me. The memory clings to me like a second skin, suffocating and inescapable. I stare at my reflection in the water, the rippling surface distorting my features. I scrub until my limbs are raw. Despite that, I still don’t feel clean. The taint runs bone-deep, staining my very soul.
When I finally emerge, it’s like I have shed a layer of my skin, but patches of the old one still cling to me, a snake caught in shedding scales. I quickly dry myself and dress, lacing the collar of my tunic high to hide my ugly truths beneath.
Lark is leaning by the front door of the homestead when I return, his eyes tracking me as I approach.
“You’re on the first watch, then?” I ask, forcing a fragile smile.
“Sure am. Head in and get some rest. You can take my spot next to Nyssa.”
“Thank you. You can wake me when you end your shift.” I hesitate a moment before adding, “It’s really good to see you, Lark.”
His eyes soften, and I note the way he keeps his arms tucked at his sides. “You too, Starling.”
I swallow roughly as I pull away and head into the house. The fire still crackles in the hearth, casting dancing shadows across the walls. On the far side of the room, Nyssa is curled up in a makeshift bed of blankets. My eyes drift toward Raven to the right, where he watches as I step through the slumbering bodies and settle in behind Nyssa’s back.
She lets out a soft sigh, rolling over so she’s facing me and carefully taking one of my hands between hers. The heat of her skin sinks into my chilled fingers, and it’s only then that I realize how cold I am. My body is shaking with small tremors.
“Are you okay?” Nyssa whispers to me, concern etched into every angle of her face. Her hazel eyes search mine, and I fight the urge to close them.
“I don’t know,” I say just as quietly, the words trembling as they leaveme.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
Those three words echo through my skull. Relentless, raging waves crashing against stony cliffs. And I know, like the stone, the waves will eventually wear me down. They’ll carve me up with enough time and force.
Changing me.
Eroding the person I am, until years from now I become unrecognizable.
“We’ll get through this. Soon we’ll be back in the Sorrows, and we can leave this all behind.”
Nyssa’s hand tightens around mine, her warmth grounding me, but it doesn’t stop my spiraling thoughts. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel clean again. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop seeing Keres’s face in the shadows. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. But as Nyssa tucks the blankets around me, her presence steady and unwavering, I cling to the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to face it alone.
The blade drags across mythigh again.
And again.
And again.
A sob pours out of me, pooling alongside the puddle of my tears and blood, crimson smeared across the white marble floor.
Cold, wet hands grip the backs of my knees, pulling me closer.
