I remember what it was like when I lost my father. I walked around in a daze most of the time, struggling to grasp that he was gone. Theghost of his memory followed me everywhere. I would hear him laughing sometimes, or see him from a distance, or run into the cottage with news on the tips of my fingers that I needed to tell him, only to realize he wasn’t there.
Then one morning, it hit me. He was gone, and he was never coming back. I broke into a thousand pieces that day.
“Did you have a partner?” Alexus asks. “Someone you shared your life with?”
With tears blurring my vision, I shake my head, then nod and end up shaking it again. Finn was never my partner. Not like my parents were partners. But for a time, I’d believed he was everything.
“I had someone,”I sign. My hands start to tremble as I remember Finn walking with Hel and the rest of their family across the village green. They were like my family, too.“It was…complicated,”I add.
Alexus bobs his head, as though he understands. “Well, losing everyone you love is something no one should be forced to endure. It leaves an indelible mark on your soul.” He stares into the fire for a long moment, then meets my eyes. “I truly am sorry, Raina. I would change it if I could.”
Again, his words are laced with the most tender sincerity—like they’re coming from a man with experience. Or a load of guilt.
Or maybe both.
My stomach twists. He’s partly to blame for my loss. He took Nephele, though it sounds like she’s been just fine living at Winterhold. I still can’t grasp how that’s possible, thinking maybe I’m being tricked, because if she holds so much sway over the Witch Collector and the Frost King, why has she not come home?
“Tell me about my sister,”I sign.“What is she like now?”
At first, Alexus looks like he’s not sure how to reply, but he finally does, with an amused grin. “She’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing, that’s for certain. She has an affinity for clashing swords—with me, in particular. Most of the time I win, but I won’t lie. She’s beaten me a time or two, fair and square.”
I can’t help but allow a faint smile at that.“Nephele used to beg Father to teach her the sword,”I sign.
I was so small—she’s six years older than me—but I remember thetwo of them sparring with wooden swords in the grass by the stream. However, as we aged, more important duties took precedence, and the playtime of pretend sword fighting had to be cast aside.
Another reason for my smile is that Alexus speaks of her with such familiarity and fondness. The thought of them being friends angered me so much before, but now it brings me a sliver of comfort. Even if I don’t yet know the details of Nephele’s situation, it seems like she’s made the best of her circumstances.
“Nephele cares for the children at Winterhold, too,” Alexus continues. “Teaches them.” He switches to signing.“She even teaches your hand language. We have two deaf children who benefit from it greatly. I cannot tell you how many times she has smacked my hands for getting something wrong, though I was quite the fast learner. She said so herself.”
I laugh, but hearing these small details about her makes my heart hurt for a reason I can’t place. I’m so very glad she’s had this other life. A rich life, it seems. I truly am.
And that she hasn’t been unhappy like me.
The stars are out, visible through a small clearing in the treetops, so I lie down and stare at the sky, unexpectedly brutally aware of the empty cavern inside me. I’ve no reason to speak to Alexus Thibault so openly, to confide in him about anything, but that emptiness aches so much, and a confession that’s been gnawing at my heart rushes from my fingers anyway.
“I have never killed anyone before.”
There’s a moment of quiet, save for the soft crackle of the fire. I’m not sure he was even watching me. But then…
“I know it’s a difficult thing to process, but you did what you had to do. They made themselves our enemies.”
Hewaswatching.
“But it was not enough,”I reply after a long moment.“I might have killed a handful of our enemies, but I also killed everyone in my village.”
He stands and comes to sit on the stump beside me, elbows at rest on his knees, hands clasped. I keep my eyes trained on the sky, though he consumes my periphery.
“That isn’t true,” he says. “Why would you think that?”
Once again, I don’t know why it happens, but the truth spills frommy fingers.“I could have watched the waters. I could have seen you coming. Seen you fighting. Seen the Eastlanders chasing you. I could have gotten everyone out. Led them to safety.”I fold my shaking hands together in an attempt to silence myself, and a hot tear slides down my temple. I scrub it away with my shoulder, but another quickly takes its place.
This is one of those cresting waves. I can’t let it drag me under, but the truth I can’t seem to escape tonight is that Finn was right. I only ever think about myself.
Alexus leans over me, crowding out the starry sky, and looks me steadily in the eyes. “You cannot carry that responsibility. We all face cruel moments filled with even crueler decisions, and when we look back, it’s so easy to think what might have been. But you didn’t know to look at the waters, Raina.You didn’t know.” He exhales a long sigh and drags his hand through his hair. “If either of us is guilty, it’s me. I left an entire village to fend for themselves.”
“Littledenn?”I ask.
He nods, and his throat moves on a hard swallow. “You and I needed supplies, but when I left you at the stream yesterday, it was because I had to know if they lived. They were all dead, their village burned to ashes, and that is a loss I will never forgive myself for.”
