Voices echo from the stairs. Colden snaps his head that way, then looks back at me, a decision hovering between us. Quickly, he opens the door to his room, takes me by the arm, and drags me inside.
I press my back against the door while he tosses his jacket on a nearby chair and stares at me with wide eyes, hands resting on his narrow hips. “You’re avirgin, Nephele? I already felt like I was committing some horrible wrong by desiring you. This makes matterssomuch worse.”
I frown, remembering what he said earlier tonight about our ages. “First of all, you’ve slept with other people, Colden. Did their age matter? Why am I any different? And secondly, IknowI mentioned that I have neverbeenwith a man. It was this past winter, in fact. We were in the library. You were telling me that I should give Lorance the groomsman a chance.”
He screws his face into a scowl. “The difference is thatnoneof those other people have been you. A Witch Walker under my care. And… I don’t recall any talk about you being a virgin.”
“I told you that I had never lain with a man, and my first wasn’t going to be Lorance who perpetually smells like horse!”
A blank look takes over as I watch his mind working, trying to remember. “I suppose what I heard wasI’ve never been with a groomsman.NotI’ve never been with a man.You’re twenty and five and fucking beautiful as the day is long. How, in Loria’s name, has no man wooed you to bed by now?”
My brows dart up. “I never said that none had wooed me to bed. I said I’ve never truly been with a man, and I want the first to be you.”
He looks utterly perplexed by this. “But…why?”
“Again. How is this not obvious? You’re…” I gesture at him, standing there like a half-naked god. “You!” “I take a deep breath and sigh. “And I don’t know what I’m doing in the least when it comes to sex. But I know that if my first time is with you, you’ll make certain it’s a night I will never forget, unlike anyone else in this village.”
He drops his head, rubs the bridge of his nose, and mutters something mostly unintelligible. Something like…Oh gods, this again.
When he looks up, his mouth curves down at one side, and one sharp eyebrow raises. “Playing to my ego, I see.”
I shrug, pinching my fingertips together. “Perhaps a bit. Is it working?”
“Of course not.” He narrows a look on me. “All right, maybe a little.”
After too many moments of awkward silence, he reaches out and takes my hand. “Come here.”
I let him guide me to a chair by the fireless hearth where he sits and tugs me into his lap, which is absolutely all right with me.
“Listen. I am beyond honored that you would want me to be your firstrealexperience,” he says, sounding so polite. “But perhaps you need someone with a bit more—” he glances around the room as though lost and looking for an exit “—stability.”
“Oh, yes. Because Winterhold is ripe with unattached, stable men. It’s practically overflowing with them.” I lightly smack at his chest. “Like who? Trei the greasy bookmaker? Sam the butcher, with blood under his fingernails? Varin, the bladesmith’s apprentice? He pets his sword and his cock more than he would ever pet me, and that’s the opposite of what I need.”
Colden laughs. It’s a quiet laugh, but a laugh, nonetheless.
I push a lock of hair behind his ear and gentle my voice. “I told you. I need a man who will make my first time memorable. Who will be patient and teach me and pleasure me and prevent it from being something I will forever regret.”
He takes his hand from the arm of the chair and places it on my hip. “You assume I’m a grand lover, then.”
“I know you are. Word spreads. From people of all stripes. And I knowyou. I know I won’t be fucked and forgotten. I know that it will matter that it’s good for me and that I’m happy afterward.”
“But why tonight?” he asks. “Why have you said nothing before now?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve thought about it before, far too many times. But in all honesty, tonight is the first time I felt like you really saw me. Saw me and wanted me. I felt it, and so I kissed you and hoped you didn’t scold me and send me to my room like the little girl I am not.”
He touches my face, trailing his fingertip along my jaw. “I just need you to understand thatthis… This is…”
“Not love,” I say.
He slips his hand into my hair, his long fingers curling around my neck. “No, I do love you, Nephele. You have become a best friend over these last three years. A confidant, like no other. I trust you as well, and that is rare for me. Yes, I’ve had my affairs, but other than Alexus, there’s been one other person before you in the lastcenturywho I trusted as much.” A shadow passes over his face. “But beyond casual intimacy, fun sex, and friendship, I am not capable of giving you what you deserve. I haven’t been capable of that in a very long time.”
“And whatdoI deserve? A husband? Ten children running about? A cottage to care for and fields to harvest? What if I don’t need or want any of that? What if all I need is someone to be a comforting set of arms when I’m sad? Someone to listen when I need to talk? Someone to laugh with, and someone to take me when I need to be taken? A settled, domestic life is good for many, Colden, but I don’t know if my mother raised me to be one of those women. But what’s more…I’m lonely.”I rub my fingertips over his brow. “Like you. I search for any joy I can find, even in a drunken festival. I want tofeelsomething deeper, to be wild with bliss, to share what I’ve only ever given myself with another. And I want that person to be you.”
He looks sad. Not the reaction I meant to provoke.
“You know I want you,” he says. “I don’t know how anyone could be in your presence for long andnotwant you. But I need to know that I won’t hurt you. I would never forgive myself.”
“I’m not fragile. And I know what I have with you. Your friendship is precious to me. I’m aware that your heart isn’t part of the deal. Mine isn’t either if I’m honest. But you do make me happy, in our own special way. And if I must get naked in front of a man and bare my all, I fear I can only do it in front of you.”
