I think about all I felt from Alexus earlier this morning after facing Thamaos, and a sudden hollowness fills my chest. Immortality carries with it eternal loss and pain. The thought of loving someone, only to know that time would take them and leave behind grief for ages, would be… excruciating.
For the first time, I consider the boundaries of what we share, how much of a risk it is for Alexus to feel anything for me at all. Perhaps that’s why he smothered his feelings as soon as I sensed them this morning. We’re lovers, like Nephele and Colden. But with every passing day, whatever this is that lives between us grows. I might only now realize the truth of the situation, but Alexus has known all along what he stands to lose if this continues. Knows that he will remain constant long after I am no more than a fading star in the sky.
Yet he looks at me as though I contain infinities.
“By the way,” Hel says, brushing the dried mud from her horse’s golden coat. “How do you feel about the bond now? After what happened this morning?”
“Things have certainly changed,” I sign as Tuck nuzzles her nose against my shoulder. “I feel tied to Alexus in a different way. A good way. But different.”
Nephele’s eyebrows pulls together as she gives me a tender stare. “Two lives can become so entwined, Raina. Not that that’s a bad thing, but it’s very personal and unique to every couple. There are levels of control to be mastered. I recommend a chat with Callan. They’re bonded to many friends, a sort of guide. They might be able to offer an outside perspective and could help you know what to expect so that you aren’t taken by surprise as things continue to change.”
That night by the fire, Alexus begins teaching me the meaning of the protective runes I see when I look for the prince. I tell myself that I’m going to talk to Callan too. But the rain comes, and we all escape to our tents early, and the moment passes.
Tomorrow, I tell myself later while I drift to sleep. Tomorrow.
9
RAINA
I’m alone in a deep, narrow hole, face wet with tears and rain.
Blood runs from my fingertips as I claw the earthen walls. But no matter what I do, no matter how much magick I summon, I can’t get out.
Voices drift to my ears as water rises around my ankles—sounds of laughter, life, freedom—and I imagine the comfort and shelter of the monastery, thirty feet above. Frantic, I fling away the mud lodged beneath my fingernails and the black mire coating my palms. In desperation, I cast another spell into the night and call forth any energy I can find, hoping to propel myself anywhere but here.
Nothing happens, save for the light of day and dark of night repeating their dance overhead. The rain keeps falling, and the water keeps rising, until it creeps up my waist, up my torso to my throat, my chin, until mud slides into the pool and the taste of soil floods my mouth. Every time I steal another suffocating inhale, the world grows blacker and blacker…
I jerk awake, gasping, and take in my surroundings.
It wasn’t real. It’s just a dream. I’m safe.
Restless, I shove away the furs and slip from beneath Alexus’s arm. Thanks to the fear clutching my throat, it’s hard to breathe, so I sit up and draw a breath of cold night air.
After a harsh exhale, Alexus pushes up behind me. “Are you all right?”
Suddenly, a handful of starlights penetrate the tent’s canvas, tiny lights floating in the darkness.
Trembling, I face him and nod, making the sign for nightmare, though I’m still connecting the pieces.
He brushes my hair aside, kisses my shoulder, and skims rough fingertips over my collarbone, down to my rune. “I’m so sorry, Raina. I live under the weight of memory, it seems.”
Regret and guilt lurk at the edge of his voice.
Regret for the rune. Guilt for the dream.
Because this time, the terror doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to Alexus, coursing into me through our bond.
A nightmare of his childhood.
A nightmare of torture.
A nightmare he can’t forget.
“Is this normal for bonded people?” I sign, wishing I’d spoken to Callan the night before last. Tomorrow, I’d told myself. And yet tomorrow came and went.
“It can be.” He scrubs his hand through his hair. “It’s obviously true for us. I’m sure the fact that we’re communicating through the bond so often now has something to do with it. The rune forges many types of connection. It appears it’s created a subliminal link between our dreams.”
Gods, I would hate for him to experience the panic that comes with my nightmares. But I can’t even think about those for all the images swirling in my mind.
