“The truth?” I ask and he simply nods his head right as the show kicks on.
I face the TV, feeling too much by the way he’s looking at me, and I answer him. “I’ve never had my first kiss before.”
14
Zachariah
She’s never been kissed. I don’t know if I believe that and if I do, how is it true? But for the past two nights I have not been able to stop thinking about what Cadence told me. Something I haven’t stopped thinking aboutchanging, especially knowing she wanted to kiss me that night. I don't know if I would have let her though, to be completely honest. Not that I don't want to. Not that I haven't thought about it since. But I was not in a good mindset, and I can't even believe I allowed her to see me like that to begin with. But I don't regret the decision at all.
That night went nothing like I had expected it. From the news I received from my parents to driving to her house for her andbringing her back to my room. Being alone with Cadence like that created a calm that I haven’t experienced in a while. It felt like my mind was a little quieter and all the things I’ve been worrying over seemed easier to handle for a moment.
Asking her to come over was something I did spontaneously. I wasn’t even sure I’d actually done it until I woke up the next morning and found a note written on my nightstand.
Didn’t wanna wake you, but I had Ryen come pick me up. I hope you slept well, and I’ll see you at school. xoxo Cadie
I don’t even think we’d gotten halfway through the first episode of the show she put on before I crashed out; the quickest I've ever fallen asleep in a long time, and I didn't wake up to some nightmare either. She told me she stayed until the second episode was done and my heart swells every time I imagine her lying next to me while I slept.
We texted all day yesterday, and it was hard passing her in the halls pretending like I didn’t want to just grab her and hold her. She was really there for me the other night. She knew exactly what I needed to hear and she listened to me. I’ve never been that vulnerable with anyone before, not even with Brayden, and I think it's just what I needed to calm my nerves and ease my stress. At least for a little while. At least until the fantasy wears off and reality seeps back in, because it will.
There’s more I want to tell her. Like what’s going on with my family and the emptiness I feel where Sophie used to be. Butthose things don’t seem so unmanageable now that I'm holding onto this seed of hope that Cadence planted in me. And maybe I'll tell her about the rest soon regardless, but for now I feel good about just pretending it doesn’t exist.
“Dude, what’s got you all zoned out lately?”Shit, not this again. I need to do a better job at keeping my obvious affliction at bay. Zoning out about his sister was the reason I had to start dating someone else last year. A stupid decision and I will not be doing that again.
I turn to look at Brayden; the lunchroom filled with noise and people walking about. He had to really be studying me in order to notice that I was dead silent, not chiming in on the talk of this week's game. Scouts are rumored to show up and I have been doing everything I can to avoid the thought, eager to not sink into another mood about the topic. But now that the thought has manifested, the words of Coach creep back into my mind.
You did good out there, but you didn’t perform your best. Some of you are performing at abarely-almostlevel and I need you all to be on thethis-is-my-fucking-playlevel.
It brings my mood down a notch, but at the same time, I have to believe in myself, just like Cadence told me the other night. And I do, or at least I still do. I know my belief in myself has faltered a bit but I am determined to stop throwing this goddamn pity-party for myself and focus on the only thing that I truly believe I have secured for the future. Football. With my family falling apart, which I have told anyone about yet, and the uncertainty of what my relationships will be like with the Castle siblings in the future, I know I have to hold on to what I have been working toward my whole life.
“This test in calc today. Think I’m gonna bomb it,” I lie, I know I’m going to ace it actually. And I don’t know why I lie. I could have literally saidfootballbut I also feel like expressing myslight insecurities is not something I really want to divulge over school lunch.
“Oh, screw that class. That test was brutal. Took it this morning. Good luck,” Brayden says as he pats on my back before getting up and walking away with the new girl he’s seeing.
I mentally appreciate the short conversation, but my eyes immediately start to wander the room, realizing that I actually haven’t heard from or seen his sister since before first period.
I pull out my phone to text her, knowing that my last class is going to start soon.
Hey, I haven’t heard from you all day. Is everything okay?
I don’t expect her to text back right away, so I put my phone in my pocket while I get up to toss my trash, but then I feel my phone buzz.
I’m sorry. I ended up leaving school during second. I wasn't feeling too good.
You’ve been home this whole time?
Umm yeah, but I’m fine.
Cadence… what’s the matter?
Nothing. I just don’t feel well and I can’t really tell you why.
You can and you will.
Ooof. Bossy much?
Please just tell me what’s wrong.
A few minutes pass by and I don’t see that she’s responding. I make my way to the lockers and start to grab my things for class before my phone buzzes again.
