I can’t deny that she’s been on my mind more now than ever, now that we aren’t really as close as we once were. Though I thought it might have been a good thing because I have no right getting close to Cadence if I’m already making her feel resentful toward me. And I can’t help but think that I’m just not good for her. Good for anyone, to be honest. But I know deep down that she’s good for me. It’s the only way to explain why I crave her presence.
“Hey, man. Thanks for doing this with me tonight. Not sure if I said that or not.” Bray walks over to the fridge where he pulls out two Bodyarmors and tosses me one.
“Yeah, no problem,” I say as I twist the cap and take a swig. But I really don’t want to do this tonight. Not at all and I wish there was a way I could just call it off.
“You know, I didn’t want to say anything but I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a little down these past few weeks. Is everything okay?” I look at Brayden who is chugging his whole bottle of Bodyarmor so I wait in silence for a moment while I watch him.
We’ve had deep talks before, but they don’t happen very often. And while Brayden is probably the most nonchalant person I’ve ever met, I know he’s there for me no matter what. But these problems I’m dealing with, sleepless nights, stress about football and college, feeling like I’m not adequate enough for the people in my life, and the worst one being the thing I’ve got for his sister, aren’t really things that I know how to even talk about because they seem so minor in the grand scheme of everything else. But it’s all starting to pile up and it’s beginning to reach me in ways that are affecting my motivation.
But it’s the second time now that he’s noticed and at some point, I’m just going to have to tell him what’s going on. But for now, I try and explain it away with a basic answer.
“Yeah, everything is fine but to be completely transparent, I haven’t been feeling a hundred percent lately.” I put my bottle down and wait for him, watching his expression as he stares at me.
“What do you mean? Like, you’re getting sick?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No, no. I just mean like mentally, I don’t feel like my full self right now. I don't really know how to explain it.”
Coming somewhat clean about what’s been going on does feel like a light weight being lifted off my shoulder, but it also feels like pressure to have to try and explain in detail what I mean by that and sometimes I don’t even know how to understand it all myself. Like I said, it feels really silly when I dig to the surface.
“How come you didn’t say anything?” he asks with his arms crossed at his chest now.
“I don’t know,” I start. “I just didn’t want to make it that big of a deal.” And I don’t. Despite what people may think, putting myself in the center of attention and making things about me is not something I actually like or want to do.
I tend to keep things bottled up, hidden away so that I don’t burden anyone else with my issues. But Bray is my best friend and while I can’t really disclose the specifics to him right now, I know that he’ll help soften the blow.
But also, there’s times where he’s kind of dumb. No offense to him but it’s just the truth. At least emotionally. It’ll be the day I roll over in my grave when he figures out a way to become emotionally intelligent.
“Wel, dude, now you really have to go out tonight. Let off some steam,” he walks over and playfully punches me in my upper arm, right as Cadence rounds the corner of the stairs. Iinadvertently straighten up as Bray grabs our empty bottles and tosses them in the trash.
She doesn’t even look at me, and part of me feels some kind of anguish because of it. Bray sits in one of the stools at the island and we both watch as she reaches into the fridge for something, but I try to avert my gaze when she turns to face us.
“Which one of these did you put your disgusting mouth all over?” she asks, looking at Brayden and I can’t help but let out a small chuckle. Brayden does too, as he shrugs his shoulders and grins.
“Don’t remember,” he answers her as she holds up one jug of orange juice and another of chocolate milk. “Probably both to be honest,” he adds and she rolls her eyes before turning to put both jugs back in the fridge.
I watch her as she reaches for a cup in the cupboard, standing on her tip-toes to do so. I want to jump up and help, but I know it would seem too desperate, so I just remain leaning against the counter a few feet away as she fills the cup with water.
“So sis,” Brayden starts as Cadence turns to face us, taking a drink of her water. “How’s that lover-girl assignment going?”
I raise my brows at the question as Cadence simultaneously spits out her water. Brayden starts cracking up, watching as Cadence glares at him. Water covers the counter and has dripped down her shirt, but I seemed to have missed why Bray thinks what he said was so funny and why Cadence seems to be bothered by it.
She doesn’t even look at me as I go to extend my hand, offering her a napkin I had just pulled from next to me. In fact, she doesn't even take it and I’m starting to feel weird about the lengths she’s going through to ignore me. I wish I could get Brayden out of the fucking kitchen so that I could have her alone for at least a few minutes. I know I’m partially to blame for thereason why we haven’t talked all week but now all I want to do is to figure out why she is completely avoiding me.
Instead, she drops the cup into the sink and looks at her brother. “Mind your own business next time. And make sure to clean up this mess, since it was so funny to you,” she snarks before turning on her heel and walking back up the stairs. I watch her, hoping she’ll risk a glance back at me before she disappears, but she doesn’t and my chest starts to ache when I realize that she’s really hell-bent on making it known that I’ve upset her.
“What was that about?” I ask Bray as I toss him the napkin.
He leans over me and starts to soak up the water when he answers, “She got caught texting in class so the teacher made her read her message out loud. Now she has to do some kind of assignment on it.”
I don’t know why, but I can’t help but smile. Cadence doesn’t get in trouble, and even though I can imagine how frantic she likely was trying to explain herself, I can’t help but wish I was there to witness it.
“What did the text say?” Asking without really thinking. Obviously, I want to know but I also feel like maybe I should respect her privacy and stay out of her business, just as she warned Brayden. But I already asked the question and Bray is already providing me with the answer as he tosses the used napkin into the trash.
“Something about losing hope when she’s supposed to be a lover-girl. And also mention of Hades and Persephone, I don’t know,” he says right before his phone rings. He looks at me, shakes his phone and says, “It’s Kinsley. Gonna take this.” And then he leaves me alone in the kitchen.
I think about what he said her text was about and I know that she and Ryen call each other Hades and Persephone as some kind of best friend thing. I always thought it was kind of cute.But then I wonder about the rest of the message.Losing hope?Could they have been texting about me?
I lean off the counter, seriously considering taking the stairs up to her room. I have to talk to her. But Bray could come back any moment so I decide to do the next best thing.
