“I’m sorry…for everything. I searched for you everywhere. Visited your apartment twice that day, your dad’s. I called Rex.” My breath shudders, struggling to say what came after. “I shouldn’t have left you. I was just too consumed by everything. Everyone just kept looking at me with pity, and I couldn’t stand the sight of it.”
Holding my air, I glance up at him to gauge the reaction.
He’s as still as the night until something passes behind his eyes, gone the minute he blinks.
“I wish my mind would have allowed me to communicate with you better. Instead, I let those dark thoughts drag me down with them. I didn’t want to tell anyone, and it got to a point I thought I’d never be able to get back to normal again. I pushed you away,because I thought I was doing the best thing for you, for us. If I’d have known…”
My jaw clamps shut, grinding my teeth together to fight back the crack in my voice, the pressure so tight it threatens the tears to spill over, causing my vision to blur more.
“I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry,” I breathe, my chest rising and falling from speaking so fast, unloading a truth I’ve had to bury for years.
Thinking I’d never be able to get rid of the weight it holds over me.
My love for him never died; it stayed alive, killing me slowly each and every day.
Fear eventually wraps around the admission, telling him it could sound like utter madness.
But when I look into his eyes, it feels like there’s never been any distance between us at all.
Those eyes have done more things to me than his words or actions ever could.
I force a swallow, casting my gaze down to the safety of the ground.
“After Jenna’s…” I clamp my mouth shut again, weaving her name with what she succumbed to. It never gets easier, and the guilt over it still holds me prisoner.
“Everything just got dark so quickly, and the only way that helped me survive was to become a part of it.”
When I muster the bravery I need to glance up, I find he’s inched closer.
The pupils in his eyes have blown so much, you can barely see the storm that rumbles within the grey, his voice sounding like silk as it wraps around me.
“I told you once, and I’ll tell you a million times over. There was never any blame on you, or Gina, or Jenna. There isn’t a single thing you should be apologising for.”
His wary hands ghost up my arms, reaching around to cup my nape.
It paralyses me; the only sign of movement in me is my heart drumming like a war signal.
His gaze drops from my eyes to my lips. He’s so close, I could reach out and kiss him. But he’s freed from whatever trance he was in, dropping his hands like my skin burned him.
We’re both breathing deeply, the air thickening between us.
“You don’t need to hesitate, Saint,” I whisper, watching the conflicted battle in his mind. “Every time you reach out to me, you either think twice about it, or snatch your hand away. I’m okay with it.”
It’s the same way he was when he visited me all those years ago. Neither of us were sure if I could tolerate it, and watching him fight his natural reaction to have his hands on me, not even the sexual side, just the connection between us.
Whilst his touch always brought me pleasure, the comfort and safety outweighed it all.
He tilts his head sharply, taking a step back. “Good night, Indie.”
And with that, he leaves the room.
The minute the door closes, the space feels too big, too empty, too cold.
Despite the chilling darkness that’s always lurked behind him, he sets my body alight.
But right now, it’s replaced with a dull ache in my chest, the same one that’s weighed my heart down the past six years.
27
