I will let you free for the whole world to meet you.
You won’t regret it. Rack and ruin: that’s all that’ll be left.
?
The crying didn’t last too long, but now, I’m colder, more calculated, and tougher.
With my heart of ice. Until the war is over.
I abruptly get away from Lucas. On my face, you can’t read anything while I’m looking at Marshall’s body.
I feel the fury that violently started to flow through my veins. My revenge will be sweet, and I will have the main place in the stands. I will enjoy the show from behind the curtain, without even moving a finger. I’ll just savour it.
“I’ll handle him, Anmara. You just… read,” Lucas says with his gaze on the last words Marshall had ever written in his journal.
I look at Lucas with my face full of dried tears, which feel like they are sucking my skin, making my expression even harsher. Perfect for what I’m feeling inside.
He looks at me with a worried expression and a raised eyebrow, but I only nod and sit next to Marshall’s journal. I turnback the pages until the beginning of his final entry dedicated to me, which starts with a bloody palm on the paper.
The first page surprises me by going directly to the subject and telling us exactly what the last set of solutions contained, but also what he missed to make it perfect. He figured that out when he felt it flowing through his veins.
All that was missing was a human tear. A tear full of pure emotion. I knew it when I felt it going through my whole body.
Even more, I felt tears coming from my eyes when she started cutting my forehead, my arms, and when she stabbed me in the stomach. I have never felt such severe pain…
Actually, I never felt pain in my life. Now, it hit me with such force that it overwhelmed me immediately. Tears came out of my dry eyes along with all the feelings I never got to experience.
Bianca let me lie in my own pain when she untied me. I couldn’t even react to what she was doing to me. I barely knew what was happening to my body.
I stayed in the state of pain enough time to be able to experiment with all the emotions that were dominating my brain simultaneously, and I am so sorry that I couldn’t experience them sooner.
The fury was stronger than in any other moment of my life, especially because someone else succeeded in making the perfect drug.
Happiness followed, and it hit me hard. I was feeling EVERYTHING. I laugh in happiness and grunt in pain at the same time.
The hatred was next. Hatred towards myself, towards what I was capable of doing. Hate for my hands that were full of innocent blood just to be able to satisfy the small pleasures of an empty soul, of a heart of stone.
The love for you almost killed me on the spot. My heart violently beat in my thorax, wanting to go and search for you, to tell you what I never got to truly tell you.
The tears that didn’t stop from flowing down my full-of-blood face gave me a gruesome sadness, making me remember all of those moments when you didn’t smile, when you cried, and it made me cry even harder. I never did that, and it felt like it was tearing me apart.
I can feel my body succumbing, wanting to make me lose a true human interaction. I fight against it while I write these words to you. At least this way, I can give you a piece of the thoughts I have at this moment.
I can’t feel my legs anymore. They were the ones who gave up first. My vocal cords are blocked by my tears and the depth of the emotions I’m experiencing. I can’t scream, I can’t walk, so all that I can do is transmit through these pieces of paper a last entry of the journal that ate me alive.
The project “Romance Me In” was… everything I’ve ever wanted, lost in years of carelessness. So negligent, so deadly, so perfect… the pain and the blood that’s leaking through my fingers make it extremely hard to endure. I will try to tolerate it to finish writing my last words.
I always wanted to behave as normal and as in love as possible for you, Anmara. I told you many times before that you are truly special, and I lied when I said you weren’t, but I never told you what that really meant to me.
You were like a detachment from the real world. Just like when you were reading a book, and you were so caught up in it that you didn’t pay attention to what happened around you. That was all I felt when I was with you, and it was enough for me to keep fighting to feel the real influences of your love on my own being. To be able to really transmit those words, not just empty talk, like each time.
I love you, Anmara. Even though the only time I tell these words to you for real is just through a piece of paper addressed to you, I want you to know that I always loved you deep inside of me. I didn’t know how this thing would feel, but I knew it in my heart. I couldn’t develop emotions naturally, but I wanted to fight for them. And look where this took me: to give up before taking your face in my hands and showing you all the emotion from my eyes in this moment, even though I know how much you hate me while reading these words.
I’m sorry I’ve made you hate me, Anmara. All I ever wanted was my real love for you.
I stop for a second, already feeling my heart of ice slowly melting and monstrously hurting. However much I want to stop my feelings, I can’t, so the tears are inevitable.
I take a deep inhale and exhale profoundly. I try to get it together and not lose myself in his words full of emotion.
