Sammie would apologize. She would apologize and promise to do better. And shewoulddo better. Selfishly, she knew it would be easy, because she missed her friend. She missed having Ivy to talk to about, well, everything.
A pinprick of fear had wedged itself into her mind. Because what if this wasn’t just about how Sammie had been a bad friend?
What if this was Ivy deciding to walk away from her?
A familiar swell of panic at the thought formed a lump in Sammie’s throat. She didn’t want to face another person that she loved turning away, rejecting Sammie because she wasn’t who they had wanted her to be.
It was why she’d cut things off with Kieran. Sammie couldn’t keep going, keep falling further, harder, only for him to be the one to walk away when her love became too much. She’d known going into their arrangement that her feelings were, and had always been, one-sided. She was better off quitting now, before the heartbreak carved too deep of a crevice into her chest.
Footsteps echoed along the corridor. Sammie opened her eyes, dropping her hands to her sides as she turned to see Ivy approaching.
“Hey.”
The word was cold, emotionless. So unlike the Ivy that Sammie had grown used to. No hint of her sharp smile or the usual sparkle in her eyes. She held herself straight, posture tense, lips pulled into a thin line. She was a good half a foot shorter than Sammie, but that didn’t make her seem any less imposing.
“Hey.” Sammie swallowed past the lump in her throat. Ivy just waited, watching her with an intensity that made Sammie want to squirm. “Listen, I’m sorry. I know I’ve been distant lately.” She paused, chewing her lip. “I was worried, because of some things Kai said. I didn’t want to hurt you, and-”
Ivy laughed. A piercing, bitter sound that cut Sammie off. She had expected to find hurt, pain, or maybe even jealousy twisting Ivy’s features, but as her friend sucked in a sharp breath, Sammie didn’t find any of the things she’s thought to look for in Ivy’s gaze.
No, Ivy wasn’t sad. She wasfurious.
“Hurt me.” Another bark of laughter that Sammie couldn’t help but wince at. “That’s great. You cut me off, Sammie. What the fuck could Kai have told you that would make you do that?” Ivy’s jaw clenched as she inhaled deeply, steadying herself. Sammie was frozen to the spot, unable to move, to think, to reconcile the angry woman before her with anything that she had expected.
Sammie looked down. “He said you have feelings for me.”
Ivy’s stare turned molten.
“And what if I told you I was fine, that it was just a silly little crush? That I fall a little bit in love with every attractive woman I meet? Itoldyou to go after someone else. I’ve known you were hung up on someone else from day one. And instead of just talking to me, you decided the best thing to do would be tocut me off?”
“But you-”
“I’m not done.” Ivy’s hands were clenched into fists and her eyes were wet. For the first time, the depth of the hurt Sammie had caused was presented fully before her, and a pit of dread yawned wide open beneath her. “I knew something was going on with you and Kieran. All the guys on the team have been making comments, little ones, hard to miss. And then that same account came up on my feed again. Ball cap guy? Exceptyouwere there this time. You and your tattoo, and my suspicions were confirmed.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Sammie cut in. She moved forward, stopping only when Ivy put her hands up, signaling for Sammie to stay back. To keep space between them, a cavernous gorge opening up, with Sammie perched precariously on the edge. “Ineverwanted to hurt you. I wanted to tell you as soon as I started working with Kieran, but I was afraid it would drive a wedge between us, and I didn’t want to lose you.”
Ivy narrowed her eyes. “You think I’m upset that you’re fuckingKieran?”
Sammie shrugged, tears stinging her eyes. Ivy sighed, some of the fight seeping out of her. The mask of anger she’d worn fell away, and the sadness that replaced it had those tears spilling onto Sammie’s cheeks.
“You really must think the worst of me.” Ivy sniffed, crossing her arms. “I never cared who you hooked up with, who you had feelings for. Goddammit, Sammie, you pushed me away without a word. Without giving me a chance to fix whatever it was that I did wrong. You stopped talking to me, I haven’t seen you in weeks outside of games. You’ve apparently started up some sort of relationship with the man you’vealwaysloved, and didn’t think I wanted to hear about it. You’re my best friend, and you never even gave me a chance to prove that to you.”
Sammie looked up at the ceiling, blinking back the tears that wouldn’t stop coming, that matched the ones burning in Ivy’sown eyes. “I’m so sorry.” Every breath she sucked in shuddered in her chest. “I didn’t mean to do any of that. I only wanted to protect you.” When she looked back down, Ivy was watching her, jaw clenched, lips pinched together.
“Pushing someone away doesn’t qualify as protecting them.”
It wasn’t a revelation. It wasn’t some novel idea that Sammie had been unaware of. But hearing Ivy say it, hearing Ivy call her out for the thing Sammie was so, so good at doing, it pinched in her chest, a dart hitting the target dead on.
“I don’t know any other way.” The words were more whisper and tears than anything else. It had been the same with her grandma. A wall between them that Greta hadn’t even been aware of, because Sammie hadknownher queerness would be rejected.
And Kieran. Her friendship with him had gone stale years before, after that miserable day in the rain. Atticus had been able to keep in contact, to keep his bond with Kieran as strong as ever, but Sammie hadn’t. Until Greta’s funeral, she’d hardly spoken to Kieran in the intervening years.
She had gone and done it once again, cutting things off with him that morning. Walking away without a word, because it was easier to turn her back on the hard feelings.
It was always easier to walk away from rejection before it ever had a chance to rear its ugly head.
Ivy breathed deeply, considering Sammie’s words. She nodded, and Sammie steeled herself. “I understand that. I do.” She took a step back, and Sammie felt herself tip forward into the cavern between them. “But you hurt me, Sammie. You cut me out. You never gave me a chance to be anything other than what you feared I would be. And the fact that you were afraid of me, when I’ve supported you from day one? You punished me for nothing, and I’m gonna need time to recover from that.”
“I’m sorry,” Sammie whispered, wiping her wet cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut. She was falling, falling, falling into the dark hole of her own creation, and she couldn’t see a way out of it.
