Or something. The truth of that would probably send his mother to an early grave. “I’ll talk to her when we get there,” he began. “Mom gets ahead of herself sometimes. She means well.”
“I know she does.” Sammie’s hands fell into her lap, and before she could start up her nail picking again he reached over. She tensed under his grip as he laced their fingers together. Kieran resolutely ignored the fact that the motion feltright, that reaching out and holding Sammie’s hand didn’t fill himwith anything but that comfortable, anticipatory warmth that he’d been left with from the moment she’d walked out of his apartment two days earlier.
Several heartbeats passed, and Kieran began to wonder if he’d made a mistake, if he’d read the situation wrong. Sure, Sammie had told him what they were doing was fine. She’d agreed to his terms and had sent him a picture of her signed contract the night before. She knew that what they were doing didn’t constitute anything more between them. Even still… There was a small amount of worry, wriggling in the back of his mind, whispering that he was only going to hurt her in the end. Kieran was ready to pull away, to let go of her warmth, when Sammie finally relaxed. Her fingers wove between his as she leaned so that their forearms were pressed together, sending sparks along Kieran’s skin.
“So,” she said tentatively. “What are you going to say to her?” Kieran knew where she was going with that question, but he didn’t have an answer yet, and his silence seemed enough permission for her to continue. “We haven’t really… talked about that. Atticus knows, and Kai, but does your family know?”
“No.” She was right, Kieran knew she was right, theydidneed to talk about it, before they reached his childhood home and were inundated with questions. And he wasn’t one to steer clear of the hard conversations.
“I don’t want them to know, if you’re okay with keeping it a secret,” he said, squeezing her hand. “I’m not sure how dad would react, but mom…” He glanced over, meeting Sammie’s intense stare. Her brow was furrowed with concern. It stokes the embers in Kieran’s gut. “Mom wouldn’t take it well. She’s come around on a lot of things over the years, but her only kid doing sex work?”
“I won’t say anything to them.” Sammie offered a small shrug. “I know what that’s like. The fear that their love will be conditional.”
Hearing it put that way, knowing that Sammie had ever felt it as well, it fucking sucked.
“It’s hard.” Kieran held onto Sammie’s hand, letting it tether him as he found words that he’d never before given voice to. “Knowing that something about yourself, something you love, has to stay hidden just to keep the peace.”
“It’s the unknown of it that has always scared me most. I was always so afraid to tell my granny who I really was. I hid girlfriends from her. But the worst part is that I’ll never know if she would have come around. If she would have figured out a way to love that part of me too. I never worked up the courage to find out.”
Kieran let her words sink in, a silence stretching between them that felt loaded, but not uncomfortable. Would his mother be fine with what he was doing? No, Kieran couldn’t see that ever being the case. But what if Sammie was right? What if he told his parents about his sex work, and they accepted it? He didn’t need them to sing his praises, he just needed them to be okay with the decisions he made for himself.
“I don’t think I’m ready to find that out for myself this weekend.” He flashed a small grin, and Sammie chuckled.
“Can’t say I blame you.” She squeezed his hand back, relaxing into the touch.
“So.” Kieran sucked in a breath, steeling himself. “Are you still feeling okay about the video?”About what we did together?
Sammie hesitated, so long that Kieran began to worry. What if she’d changed her mind? What if putting herself out there with Kieran, showing strangers something she’d never shared before, what if it had been too much?
Kieran hoped that wasn’t so, even if it was another thing he wasn’t ready to say it out loud.
“I love it,” she finally said. Her eyes were fixed forward, watching the road disappear beneath their wheels. “I get a rush every time I watch it back.” Kieran raised his brows, glancing over and pulling a blush from Sammie as she narrowed her eyes. “Not like that. It just feels so… liberating. Like I have power I didn’t realize was there. Every time someone comments, asking for more, I can feel my ego triple in size.”
Kieran laughed. “Well, at least you’re self aware.”
“Don’t you feel it too?” She was grinning now, wide and bright, turning toward him as she tucked one leg up into her seat. “Doesn’t it make you feel good, knowing how people react to seeing you like that?”
She was right, it did send a thrill arcing down Kieran’s spine every time a stranger on the internet asked him for more. But Kieran hadn’t had anyone to talk to about it all in so long, not since he’d left Seattle. Sammie was putting to words things he’d kept to himself for years.
“It always catches me by surprise,” he began. “The rush of feelings after I hit post. Society has been hardwired for so long to look down on sex work, so it took me a lot of time to feel the pride without the guilt.” He paused, glancing over at her. “You’re already leagues ahead of me there.”
Sammie shrugged. “I think it’s great. You’re—we’re—doing something that makes people happy. We’re doing it ethically. We’regoodat it.”
“Ah.” Kieran chuckled. “There’s the ego. You’re as bad as Atticus.”
“We come by it honestly.”
“I’m glad you asked me to do this with you,” he said, sobering. His heartbeat picked up as he spoke, racing in a way that made his limbs feel tingly and numb. “I wasn’t sure if itwas a good idea, at first.” He paused, turning the wheel with one hand as they approached his parents’ driveway. He held onto her hand, his grip firm, even as he parked and the engine went silent. It was a pretty night, cloudless, an orange glow fading along the horizon.
“But you’re right,” he continued, turning in his seat. “We’re good at this. We can make something special here.” Kieran paused, lifting her hand, rubbing a finger over her knuckles, holding her gaze steady. He could tell it was hard for her, the prolonged eye contact, the thickness of the air between them. He never knew how long was too long, when to break eye contact and look away. Sammie had gone still, watching him with something unreadable in her expression. Maybe, like her brother, she liked to put on a confident front. Maybe their partnership made her more nervous than she wanted to let on. Regardless, Kieran needed to be the steady one. Steady was something he understood. Steady was something he was good at.
“Now.” He dropped her hand, reaching up to ruffle her hair. She let out a squawking noise, batting his hand away. “We’re going to go in there, and act super normal around my parents,notlike we just posted a video of us dry humping on the internet.”
“Don’t just say it like that!” Sammie buried her head in her hands, but after a moment she nodded, lifting her face, one corner of her lips tilting up. “Okay. Yeah. I’m good with that.” She laughed, a breathy, relieved sound. “But we still haven’t decided what wearegoing to tell your family. Your mom seems to think us showing up together meanssomethingis going on.”
Kieran shrugged, finally letting her hand go as he moved to get out of the truck. “Maybe I’ll just tell her to mind her own business this time.”
“I’m sure that will go overreallywell.”
