“Mine are right there, you can read them.” He nodded toward a stack of papers next to her, reaching out for the ones she held in her hand. Sammie handed them over, picking up his, only for her attention to snag on the packet beneath his rules and content ideas.
“Is this your contract with the Cats?”
While it wasn’t his favorite topic of conversation at the moment, it didn’t agitate the butterflies, so Kieran nodded.
“Kieran.” Sammie turned to him, her smile genuine, bright and big. “They want to keep you, that’s amazing!” It was never a guaranteed thing, being offered to re-up on his contract when the previous one ran out. Professional sports were cutthroat, and every team only wanted the best players. Kieran’s season had been solid, better than solid, but receiving the new contract had settled something in him that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding back, afraid that he wouldn’t get an offer from the same team that he now felt so at home with. He’d just seen his friend, Ori, traded away on a whim at the start of the season.
But now he had the contract, he’d had it forweeks, and still it lay on his kitchen counter. Untouched, unsigned.
“This is a good thing, right?”
Sammie’s question pulled him out of the tired, persistent whirlpool of his thoughts.
“It is,” he said slowly, unsure how much he wanted to talk about this now. “I’m waiting for a few things to shake out before I sign it.”
She didn’t respond at first, instead watching him, reading more on his face than he thought could be there. When shefinally nodded, a slow, small movement, something shuttered in her expression, closing off. “Of course, makes sense.” Sammie cleared her throat, looking down at theotherpapers that Kieran had typed up.
He took the opportunity to look down at hers as well. On top was the list of things she was interested in trying. To his satisfaction, many of their likes and dislikes aligned. That would make this significantly easier. A few items that she’d listed took him by surprise. Her round, flowing handwriting seemed such a contrast to the words it spelled out.
Multiple partners.
Pegging.
Kieran had been with multiple partners in the past. Those videos always did well, but it had been ages since he’d even recorded anything with even one partner. He wasn’t sure just how far Sammie wanted to take that particular fantasy, but they could cross that bridge when they got to it.
Pegging though… Well, he’d never done it before, but he wasn’t exactlyopposed. The idea would need to roll around in his head for a while; he’d need to look at it from every angle and truly make sure he was okay with it.
But he wasn’tnotokay with it.
“The mirror makes more sense now. And the chair.” Sammie’s cheeks were red, her eyes still glued to the page she was reading. Kieran remembered what he had written, and voyeurism was at the very top.
“We can make most of this work.” He shuffled that page to the back, taking a look at the second page. “Our rules are more important for now.”
His eyes scanned the page, taking in the few things she had written.
“No kissing while the camera is on.” Kieran read her first rule out loud. She looked up at him, their gazes locking.
“We can change that one… if you want to. I just… it feels like…”
This wouldn’t work if she didn’t feel comfortable telling him what she needed.
“It’s fine. It’s a good rule, you don’t have to explain.” He wanted her to though. If only to tame his fears that she wasn’t truly ready for what they were about to do.
“It might make it feel too real,” Sammie finally said. “For me.” Her eyes were wide, her cheeks a light pink, and her teeth were digging into her bottom lip as Kieran mulled over her words.
Should he call the whole thing off? If there was even the possibility that Sammie might develop feelings that he wasn’t ready to reciprocate, that he mightneverreciprocate, the smart thing to do would be to put an end to the whole endeavor.
It had happened before. Sasha from Seattle. His ex.
They’d fallen into bed together, because that part was always easy for Kieran. One night together became two, then three. They were dating before Kieran really knew it was happening. His routines hardly changed, almost as though they lived separate lives. And when Sasha finally told him she loved him, Kieran hadn’t been able to say it back. They got along, the sex was great, but even though he dug deep, desperate to unearth anything more, Kieran had come up empty-handed.
He didn’t love Sasha, and knew he never would. The feelings just weren’t there.
When Sasha had asked if they could stay friends, Kieran had hoped they might be able to. But their relationship had never been based on any sort of friendship. The foundation wasn’t there. And so, after Kieran moved back to Chicago, the messages they sent to check in on one another slowly faded to nothing more than liking each other’s posts occasionally.
If there was any chance that Sammie might still harbor feelings, this could all be a mistake. A massive one. Kieran knew his limits, knew that romantic feelings on her part would only lead to hurt when he couldn’t return them.
But then he thought of their other lists, of the things they both wanted to do. Together. And fuck. He did miss having a partner to try things out with. And Sammie was a big girl. She’d never had a problem advocating for herself. Kieran needed to trust that she wouldn’t be doing this with him if she knew it would only lead to hurt.
