When it’s obvious no one’s at home, I grit my teeth and head for the street.
The campus library is fifteen minutes away. Someone there will have a charger, right?
I walk fast, head down, hands shoved in my hoodie’s pouch.
Last night plays on a loop in my head, completely disrespecting my wish for it to stop.
Kai’s sullen expression when I pushed too hard about his mom. The way he just…left. Like walking away was easier than dealing with me.
Maybe it is.
Maybe I’m just too much. Too fucked up to be loved unconditionally.
Too broken.
Why else would I message theone guyKai made me swear to stop seeing?
That’s why they call it self-sabotage, idiot.
I toss my head back, laughing like a maniac as the wind blusters through my hair.
Here I am running around in the cold, desperately trying to contact my boyfriend after a fightIinstigated, while my clit is still tingling from the remnant of a sex dream about a man who—despite being very much alive—was haunting me.
The campus comes into view, and I pick up my pace, almost jogging the last few yards. I hesitate, but thankfully there’s someone else at Nora’s desk today. Guess she only works during the week.
The library is open too, and so fucking warm. Simone is at the circulation desk, not a complete stranger—another miracle.
“Morning!” I say, in a much cheerier voice than I thought I could pull off.
Simone spins around, her blond ponytail slapping her in the face. She spits hair out of her mouth and smiles. “Haven! Cramming for midterms again?”
She’s been seeing a lot of me and Kai the past few days. The library has the perfect study vibe, especially between classes. We’d probably have spent a lot more time here if we’d been allowed to eat inside.
On cue, my stomach starts grumbling.
“Maybe.” I shrug, digging in my tote for my phone. “Could I ask you to charge this for me, please? I forgot my charger.”
“Of course, silly!” Simone gives me a dismissive wave as she takes the phone, turning her back to fumble around the library’scomputer station for the charging cord. “Come get it when you’re ready.”
“You’re a lifesaver.”
“Don’t I know it.” She winks.
I open my mouth, about to ask if I can come around the desk and check for messages, but my stomach gives another grumble. “Yeah, let me go get some coffee.”
It’s fine. I’ll charge my phone. Call Kai. We’ll work this out.
Everything’s going to be fine.
Simone gives me a sympathetic purse of her lips. “Try not to stress so much about midterms, okay? It’ll be fine.”
The echo sets my teeth on edge, but I force a smile and a mumbled, “Thanks.”
I cross the foyer to the cafeteria, repeating ‘it’ll be fine’ in my head like a fucking mantra the entire way. I was really just going to get a cup of coffee, but when the doors swing open and I’m hit with the smell of freshly baked bagels, I nearly drown in my saliva.
There are a handful of students in the cafeteria, most nursing coffee and staring dead-eyed at their laptops.
I grab a bagel with cream cheese and the largest coffee they have.
