How he’ll blurt out some excuse, and then he’ll leave, and I’ll never, ever, ever, ever have sex because I’m in love with him, always have been, and he’s the only one that I’ll ever let touch any part of my body.
“No, no, no,” I whisper frantically, snatching his wrist. “Please, Kai. You promised.” I manipulate his fingers, push them inside me.
My eyes roll back, and I moan even louder, encouraging him, trying to tell him everything that’s pouring through my head without speaking.
He slides his fingers deeper, but slowly, and my eyes flicker open. I moan again, and his eyes drop to my mouth. He pulls his fingers out, pushes them in again.
“Yes, that’s good. Just like that,” I murmur, rolling my hips. I slide a hand down his chest, his stomach, to his jeans. I unzip him and fumble as I try to take out his dick.
But he’s just watching me. Fingers moving so slowly, it’s like he’s on another planet.
Meanwhile, my body’s going through the fucking wringer. I get his dick out, struggling at first because it’s hard, but then it gets easier, because he’s going softer.
“What’s wrong?” I tug at him, trying to make him hard again. “Kai, please.” I put my hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at me. “I want this. Don’t you?”
He pushes his head against my hand, eyes closing. “We do this, and then what, Haven?”
I don’t like it when he calls me that. I prefer Heavenly. Miss H is even better. That’s when I know he’s in a really good mood.
But now?
“What do you mean?”
“I’m in college,” he rasps. “You’re still in high school. What? We gonna start dating now?”
I push up onto my elbows, and he pulls his fingers out of me. I can see blood on them, but he hasn’t noticed yet.
It all hits me at once. How pathetic I am. How desperate. How damn naïve, asking him to do this for me.
He’s always thought of me as a kid. Even after all these years, nothing’s changed.
Self pity flashes into anger.
“Who said I wanted to date you?” I snap. “I just want you to fuck me.”
I scramble out from under him, pulling up my panties, streaks of blood on my leg.
Guess that’s when he finally notices. When he finally sees.
“Haven! You’re bleeding! Did I hurt you?”
I spin on my heel. “Things have changed since the last time you saw me, Kai.”
He falls back when I advance on him, but I follow and seize his wrist. Hold his hand up so he can see just how much blood is on his fingers.
“Believe it or not, I’m a woman now. And this—“ I cut my eyes to the blanket under us “—would have been amazing.”
“Haven—” He pulls his hand free, trying to sit up, but I shove his chest, sending him down again, because yes, he hurt me.
I feel like I’m dying inside, and for the first time, I don’t see my pain reflected in his eyes. Just confusion, and something else.
Pity.
The worst possible thing he could feel for me in this moment.
“I hate you, Kai! You’re a fucking loser!”
It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told.
