Abbie looks at me questioningly, and I shrug. I don’t think he really went clubbing alone; he loves to dance, but he’s had negative experiences in the past with men coming onto him, and his tone is trying too hard to sound upbeat.
I gather all the courage I can find before speaking. “I could go with you next time. Maybe not soon, but… maybe next year?”
Both of them whip their heads in my direction, looking shocked, which is a reasonable reaction.
“Seriously?” Ciarán asks cautiously.
I nod my head, trying to battle the anxiety crawling over my skin. I want to go, do more things like we used to. I’ll talk to Dr. Keane about it in my next session. We’ve been working on grounding techniques to help me stay calm when panic strikes. If I’m prepared, I can do it.
Abbie beams, while Ciarán gives me a lopsided grin and nods just as Noah walks in front of us with a massive plate of steaming pancakes. “Don’t think we’ll all fit at the dining table. Will we eat here?” he asks.
“Perfect,” I say, smiling. I can’t seem to stop smiling the last few days; it doesn’t scare me like it did in the past, and I'm learning to embrace the happiness when it comes. There willalways be bad days, so I want to make sure I enjoy the good ones. He places the plate on the coffee table as Aiden carries over plates and cutlery. He has a sour look on his face as he stares at Ciarán, but when he catches me watching him, his features smooth out.
Everyone starts loading up plates. Noah sits on the ground beside me, and Aiden takes the armchair.
We eat and catch up. Abbie talks animatedly about a new play she’s trying to get the school to run—some K-pop musical. Aiden and Noah discuss the gym. My brother says he wants to go to a hockey game in one of the cities, and I see Noah glance at me. I give him an encouraging nod. I think he’s afraid to go too far, in case something happens. I love that he cares, but it’s not healthy for him to forgo things he wants just to stay with me.
“Sounds fun,” I say to them. “You should go.”
His lip turns up at the edges, and he nods, returning to the conversation with Aiden.
“Oh!” Ciarán bursts out excitedly. “I got the lease on that building I mentioned.”
His whole face lights up with excitement, and I feel it for him, too.
“Why did you lease a space?” Aiden asks suddenly.
Ciarán rolls his eyes at him and gives him a flat, “To use as a dance studio.”
“No way—that’ll be amazing,” Noah interjects warmly, and Ciarán beams at him.
Aiden looks confused. “I didn’t know you danced… like properly.”
Ciarán drops the smile when he looks back to him. The look he gives my brother could level a building. “Well… you never really tried to get to know me, did you?” The coolness in his tone can be felt in the air.
Irritation is clear on my brother’s face, but before he can say anything else, Noah clears his throat and stands, obviously trying to break the tension. “Everyone finished?” he asks, taking the empty plates.
A round of yeses and thanks goes around as he tidies up. When he comes back, he sits beside me on the floor—closer now. He brings his hand up to my knee and gives a gentle squeeze. I’m caught in his eyes as the energy in the room shifts.
The others are all looking at me. My nerves flare, my heart rate increasing.
They’ve all taken care of me over the last few years, always been there when I needed them—but I hid how bad things could get. I didn’t want them to worry more than they already did. As I look at their faces, I see it there, behind their eyes.
I lock eyes with Noah again. I see the love there, the unwavering support, and it gives me the courage to speak.
“I started therapy.” It comes out shaky. I put my hand over Noah’s on my knee and hold tight, staring at where we’re joined. When I glance up, I see the pride in Ciarán and Abbie’s faces, but their expressions dim as I continue. “I had a bad day a few weeks ago”—I drop my eyes again, and they start to well as the memories come back—“really bad.”
Silence.
I look up again and see the crestfallen faces of the people I love. Aiden looks hurt, his green eyes searching my face. Abbie’s mouth is parted as she watches me, and Ciarán… his chin is tucked down, eyebrows furrowed, staring at his lap, where he’s holding his hands so tightly together his knuckles are white.
“What happened?” His voice is monotone, but his knee starts bouncing.
I clear my throat, trying to dislodge the lump there. I focus on the silver paint on his jeans, shimmering with each movement ofhis knee. “Kyle came to the store.” Noah’s fingers tighten on my knee as I say it.
Abbie takes a stuttering breath as Aiden sits up straighter. “If that fucking prick laid a hand—”
I cut him off with a shake of my head. “He didn’t. He came to apologize. Then he left, and I… I reacted badly.” Wild eyes look back at me, full of fear and worry.
