“No, I guess not.” Sarah smiled at him. “I can’t wait to live in a house again.”
“That actually does sound wonderful,” Quincy agreed.
He led her to the wagon and helped her into the front. “No need for you to ride in the back this time.”
“How far will we be going?” she asked.
She was being much more talkative than usual, and Quincy really hoped that it was because she was excited to start their new life together.
“A couple of days on the road,” Quincy replied. “Well, not really on the road. There are no roads in the desert.”
“It took much longer to get to the cave last time,” she pointed out.
“True, but we’re heading in a completely different direction this time, and I got a place as close to the cave as possible. We’ll have to come back once in a while.”
“Sounds like you thought about everything.”
“I sure did, sweet thing. All you have to do is relax and let me take care of you.”
Chapter 38
Not for the first time, Sarah considered making a run for it. She desperately wanted to try to get away from Quincy, but she knew it wasn’t possible. Sarah had never been extremely strong or athletic, and she was pretty sure that Quincy could catch her easily. The other problem was that even if she did get away, she would have no idea where to go. She didn’t have a horse; they only had the wagon, and she wouldn’t be able to take one of the horses attached to it.
They were in the middle of the desert, and she didn’t recognize anything. If she were to run at that moment, she would be completely lost and would likely die before she found any civilization. The idea of dying didn’t scare her as much as it used to. If she was being honest with herself, she would rather die than live as Quincy’s wife for the rest of her life. She knew that that would be no life for her, and she would be forced to have his babies. Sarah had always dreamed of getting married and having children. She wanted a big family, but she also wanted a loving husband.
She imagined many times how it would feel to be with child. The idea had always excited her, but now that she was, she feltno love for the child growing inside her. Sometimes she felt horribly guilty for not loving it, and at other times, she felt no guilt at all. At the end of the day, she was starting to hate herself for the way she felt about the baby she was carrying.
She knew that this wasn’t fair to the baby. The baby didn’t choose who its mother or father was and was innocent in all of it. Sarah was desperately hoping that after she gave birth, her feelings for the baby would change. Maybe seeing the baby would make her feel something for it.
“What are you thinking?” Quincy asked.
Sarah shook her head. “Nothing really.”
“Oh, come on, tell me.” Quincy squeezed her hand. “I want to know what’s going on in that head of yours.”
Sarah did not try to pull her hand away. Quincy enjoyed holding her hand, and whenever she tried to move away from him, he got angry, so she had stopped. She hated being anywhere near him, and she hated him touching her, but as long as he believed that she was happy, he didn’t hurt her.
“I was just thinking about the baby,” she told him. It wasn’t a complete lie, and over the last couple of months, Sarah had learned to lie well. She used to hate people who spoke anything but the truth, but considering her circumstances, she didn’t feel bad about it at all.
“Are you excited to meet him?”
Quincy kept calling the babyhim. There was no way to know whether it was a girl or a boy, and it angered Sarah horribly. She knew she had to keep her anger to herself. She knew she shouldn’t say anything to Quincy. She knew she should simply call the baby a boy, too, and deal with the consequences of that if the baby turned out to be a girl. Even knowing all of those things, Sarah couldn’t stop the words from slipping out of her mouth.
“I’ve told you before, it could be a girl.”
The smile vanished from Quincy’s face. “How dare you speak to me like that?”
Sarah’s stomach twisted, and her heart felt like it was going to rip right out of her chest. She had no idea what had overcome her, but now that she had spoken up, she couldn’t stop herself. “I just don’t understand,” she said. “You know it could be a girl, but you insist on calling the baby a boy.”
Quincy let go of her hand as anger washed over his face. “You don’t speak to me like that. You respect me.”
“And why should I respect you? How could you even expect me to after everything you’ve done?”
The knowledge that she might be digging her own grave sat front and center in her brain. Yet it felt good to be saying what she thought. She was scared of Quincy, and she had no doubtthat he would actually kill her if he felt it was necessary. The only thing that had changed was how she felt about that.
“What I’ve done?” he asked, sounding exasperated. “I’ve treated you much better than you deserved. I kept my men from touching you, and now I’m going to give you a home and a family.”
“You assaulted my mother,” Sarah cried. “And then you assaulted me. How do you expect me to be grateful? You’re disgusting and evil.”
