The question caught me off guard. Not because it was intrusive—because it wasnormal. The kind of question any friend would ask about any crush. And no one had ever asked me before.
"Terrifying," I said. "Because I'd never felt like that. About anyone. But Liam was—" I looked down at my coffee. "I don't know… I never actually wanted anyone before. Not like that."
"Oh, so he ruined you," Ethan said. "Got it."
I smirked. "He sure did. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since."
Ethan was smiling.
"What?"
"Nothing. Keep going."
"We kissed at a party," I said. "Late. Everyone was drunk and someone had built a bonfire and we were down by the water and he—" I stopped. Something warm moved through my chest at the memory. "He kissed me first. And I kissed him back. And it was—"
"Yeah?"
"Everything." The word came out rough. "It was everything I'd been missing my entire life and didn't know it."
Ethan's smile got wider.
"Stop looking at me like that."
"I can't help it. You've got this whole face happening right now." He gestured at me with his fork. "Very swoony. Very sixteen-year-old at their first dance."
"I was eighteen."
"The point stands."
I shook my head. But I was almost smiling, which felt impossible given what had happened two hours ago. That was the thing about Ethan—he made even the worst nights survivable.
"What happened after?" he asked.
I swallowed. "Then I found out he was going to Riverside and I panicked. And I just ended it."
"Why?"
"Because I was scared. Because my father would—" I stopped. "Because I knew we were going to rival schools. I didn't think it could work… and I didn't think I could come out. Plus… I didn't have anyone to talk to." I looked at Ethan. "If I'd had this—someone to sit with and just say it—maybe I wouldn't have run."
He was quiet for a moment. Understanding in his expression.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
"Anything."
"What's it like? Being out. Being gay like it's normal."
"Itisnormal. That's the whole point." He tapped his fork against the edge of his plate. "It's just—existing. Without performing all the time. Without translating everything through a filter."
"I don't know what that feels like."
"You're doing it right now." He leaned forward. "Alex—this, right here. Sitting in a diner talking about the guy you like. Being honest about wanting someone. That's what it feels like."
Something cracked open in my chest. Not pain, just like a window being pushed open after years of being painted shut. Until that moment, I didn't know how much damage all the lies and pretending was really doing. My whole chest warmed and opened—it was happening, it was finally happening. I was being… me.
"I wish I had said something to you sooner."
"Me too."
