"Due in August." I pat my non-existent bump lovingly. "Mason's so excited to be a big brother. Though I keep telling West, three bedrooms isn't enough for two kids and his hockey equipment, but does he listen?"
"I sincerely apologize," West cuts in, his voice strained. "This is—there's no child. She's—"
"Financially struggling," I supply helpfully. "Raising your son alone while you wine and dine strangers. Which—" I turn back to Navy Dress with sudden, manic hope. "Are you family approved? Is that what this is? Because if you're okay with the arrangement, maybe we can work something out. You know, with the child support, the mortgage, preschool tuition... Maybe you could watch the kids while West and I go on actual dates? I haven't had an adult conversation in four years that didn't involve Daniel Tiger."
The woman's face has gone from politely interested to absolutely horrified.
"I have to go," she says faintly. "My mother is... I need to find my mother."
She flees.
Actually flees, her heels clicking double-time across the marble.
I watch her go, barely holding back my laughter.
The second she's out of earshot, West grabs my arm—not rough, just firm—and steers me toward the villa path.
His shoulders are shaking slightly. "Mason?" he says once we're clear of witnesses, his voice caught between disbelief and laughter. "You gave our fictional child a name and a favorite TV show?"
"Mason seemed appropriate. Strong. Classic. Really sells the whole 'deadbeat dad' narrative." I'm fighting laughter now, my stomach hurting from holding it in. "AndDaniel Tiger is very educational. You should be proud of our imaginary parenting choices."
"You told a room full of people I have a four-year-old I'm neglecting and got you pregnant again."
"Andthat we need a bigger house," I add cheerfully. "Can't forget the real estate crisis."
He stares at me. His mouth twitches. "Two kids. August due date. Daniel Tiger."
"Mason wants a little sister. He's very specific about it."
"Does he?"
"Very much. Already picked out names. Aurora if it's a girl, Optimus Prime if it's a boy."
West shakes his head, but he's smiling now—actually smiling, the kind that reaches his eyes. "You're completely unhinged."
"You said not subtle." I grin up at him. "That was extremely not subtle."
"That was thermonuclear." But he's laughing now, proper laughter that makes his shoulders shake. "Premium Crayola’s. Daniel Tiger. A mortgage."
"I got carried away."
"You think?" But he's still chuckling, looking at me like I'm some kind of deranged miracle. "Remind me never to get on your bad side."
"Too late. And I already know where you live."
His laugh is warm and genuine. "Come on, baby mama. Let's get a drink. You've earned it."
"Will it stunt the baby's growth?"
"Jane."
"Fine, fine. But Mason's college fund isn't going to pay for itself, you know."
He's still shaking his head, but he's grinning, and I count it as a win.
We don't speak on the walk back to the villa.
The night air is thick and warm, salt-sweet from the ocean. My heart is still racing from the performance—from Navy Dress's horror, from West's laughter,from the ridiculous high of pulling off something that spectacularly unhinged.
