In the twenty-something years Nova and I had been friends, I could probably count on one hand how many times I’d let her see me cry from sadness. I hated crying in front of people. It made things too real.
She dropped the knife immediately and rushed to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, grounding me like she always did.
“I fucked up,” I choked out, the words ripping from my throat. “I messed up. Everything is wrong.”
Nova didn’t flinch. She never did. She just whispered, “Nothing we can’t fix together.”
I collapsed onto the couch, pulled my knees to my chest, and let her hold me. I knew I looked nothing like myself. I was the worst version of myself—inside and out—and she didn’t even blink.
“What happened?” she whispered as she hugged me tighter. “You’re starting to scare me.”
“I-I needed to tell you because Ollie will be coming home from work,” I murmured, barely audible, “and he’ll for sure knowand ... I can’t do this anymore.”
She narrowed her eyes in that way she does when she’s putting the pieces together.
“I broke up with Will,” I said flatly.
Her breath caught. “Okay.”
That was it. Justokay,and then the tears came all over again.
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
“Everything will not be okay,” I sobbed. “I’m a bad person.”
I hadn’t cheated, but it still felt like betrayal—of Will, of Nova, of the version of myself I’d worked so hard to keep stitched together.
“You’re not a bad person,” she said firmly.
I believed her, even if only a little. Will was kind, safe, and stable. Everything I’d told myself I needed after a life spent in chaos. He never saw me the way Dirks did. Never looked at me like I was electric.
I pulled away and wiped my face. “I’m going to tell you something,” I said, voice trembling. “And you cannot freak out.”
She gave me that Nova face—equal parts concern and sarcasm. “I can’t promise I won’t freak out, but I’ll do my best to keep a straight face.”
I almost laughed. Almost.
“Two months ago, I was feeling really homesick,” I said.
Her brow creased. “Like homesick, homesick?”
I nodded. “Yeah. For everything. American snacks, pancakes, Trader Joe’s frozen meals. My yoga girls. Everything felt... off.” I looked at her, and guilt settled in again. “I didn’t tell you because you were finally settling in. You had Ollie. You had Scar. Youhavethe life we dreamed about, and I didn’t want to ruin that with my spiral.”
“Lune—”
“I know, but then Dirks called.”
She froze. “Dirks,Dirks?”
I nodded, feeling the sting of tears all over again. “Yeah. And I just— when I heard his voice, something cracked open. He told me he missed me. That this was going to be his last season. And I... I didn’t realize how much I missed him, too. How much I missedmyselfwhen I was with him.”
Not justhim, but the version of me that existed when we were together. The version who could feeleverythingand still survive it.
My voice dropped to a whisper. “I didn’t cheat. I didn’t even tell him how I felt. But after that call, I just... couldn’t keep pretending with Will. He was safe. He was kind. But I’ve been quietly unraveling for months, Nova. And I can’t stay in something that makes me feel smaller just because it’s comfortable.”
I’ve spent my whole life being what people needed. The good foster kid. The reliable friend. The polished face online. The stable girlfriend. I’ve lost myself somewhere in all that giving.
Nova didn’t speak. I glanced up and saw the tears brimming in her eyes, and I lost it again.
