"Isn’t it?"
"I dunno, I'm just working so hard and I'm doing well, but it's not enough."
"Who says it’s not enough? Is Miguel saying that?" Dee’s heckles rise.
"No, no. I’m not doing enough to get a sponsorship."
"Who cares?! Goddesses, you’ve been swirling the toilet about getting sponsors for months now." Dee raises her voice.
"Because I need the money!" I lash back.
"No you don’t, you’ve got jobs for the money. You’ve got your bills covered."
"But I need better equipment."
"I think you need your ego stroked. Because this low self-esteem pity party is not you and it’s, frankly, lame as hell."
"Ouch."
"Not sorry," Dee leans forward and grabs my hands in hers. "Listen, sitting at home alone because you’re off having mind-blowing orgasms with your sexy-as-sin coach has given me some time to think about all this." I roll my eyes but she continues giving my hands a squeeze. "I think this is about your mom. I think you’re trying to prove to her you’re legitimate. That you can do what your dad couldn’t."
"That’s not fair. My dad tried his–"
"Laney! Delivery!" Dee’s brother Bevin calls from the kitchen and both Dee and I look at the bag of food sitting on the counter.
"I gotta..."
"Yeah." Dee says with a sigh. "Laney?"
"Yeah?"
"Just promise me you're racing for yourself, not anyone else."
"I am.” I tell her and I let the moment sink in for both of us. “I'll be back in a little bit."
I slide the food into the insulated backpack, and then strap the plastic rain cover down over it.
Riding on city streets in the rain isn't the best time for introspection but I find my mind wandering.
Am I doing all this for me?
Yes, I totally am.
But, also, there is a part of me that wants to shove my success in my mom’s face and tell her chasing your passions is more than worth it.
And, there’s more.
I also feel I owe something to Miguel for all the time he has invested.
If I quit today, would Miguel be angry with me? Would he question why we’re together?
Honestly, I don’t know.
On the return ride to the restaurant the rain lets up slightly and I can keep my eyes open without my goggles on. I might look like an idiot wearing swimming goggles but it is the only way to really see through the deluge we're experiencing tonight. Leepa, Dee's Auntie, has a towel for me when I get back and she tells me Dee went home for the night.
I’m drenched, my clothes clinging to me in soaking wet slops of fabric.
But I feel like a soggy mess inside too.
