And even still, I haven’t been able to achieve what my dad asked me to.
I romanticized the idea of not doing it alone.
How wonderful would it be to find a partner who understands the demands of the sport? Who not only wants me to succeed, but wants to help me do it?
Would Dad have achieved his goals if Mom supported him like Miguel is supporting me?
But I don’t actually have him as a partner do I?
Dreaming of making Miguel my boyfriend is a distraction from my goal.
Or maybe a new, shinier challenge has presented itself.
One that feels harder to attain because it isn’t just me standing in the way.
For some reason I’m not enough for him.
Or, maybe it’s that he’s not letting himself have what he wants.
Have me.
When all I want to do is give myself to him.
Chapter twelve
Miguel
Sleepless In Chicago
I’monastreakof bad sleep. Of nights spent tossing and turning. And I haven’t had bouts of insomnia in over a decade.
Back then it was withdrawal or anxiety over my recovery causing my restlessness.
Now, it's Laney.
Every time I close my eyes her youthful energy strikes like a lightning bolt to my chest.
For weeks I’ve struggled to think of anything else when I let my head rest on the pillow.
But her body, her laughter, her determination taunt me in the dark.
Tonight especially. The sparkle in her eyes after her achievement this morning buzzes through my veins while the memory of her whispered request haunts me.
At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take her lips with mine.
To demand she open herself to me. To give herself to me, completely.
To push her past the point of no return and give her pleasure she has only dreamt of.
But I know how my addictive brain works. As soon as I taste her I'll want more. I'll need more. I'll become desperate for her and my reliance on her will bring her down.
Laney's joy and vigor are in sharp contrast to my regretful past. She has things to look forward to. New training milestones to hit. Her entire pro career is ahead of her.
I have nothing left to achieve on the TP circuit.
It’s why the Deca TitaniumPerson event holds appeal. It is a challenge beyond anything I’ve attempted before. It would be a push, a grind, and total dedication to leveling up my endurance. Figuring out how to maximize a short recovery period.
Instead, I’m losing sleep over a girl.
