CHAPTER
ONE
ZANDER
“Happy birthday, dear Kali… happy birthday to you.” I place a kiss on the top of my newly-six-year-old daughter’s head, and continue, “And many, many more, until I’m so old that you put me in a nursing home.”
Everyone laughs at my antics, but it’s not a lie. I’ll be in a nursing home if she doesn’t end up taking care of me.
Pushing that negativity out of my head, I lean down beside her to whisper, “Make a wish and blow out your candles, Missy Girl. Make it a good wish.”
As she blows her candles out, all my closest friends and family clap and shout. She looks over at me with tears lining her eyes and whispers back, “I wished for you to find someone to make you happy, like mommy did in all the pictures you show me.”
Her sweet face blurs as my throat clogs with emotion. “You don’t have to waste your wish on me…” I wrap my arms around her shoulders, hugging her as we both cry, and place another kiss on top of her head. And when I finally pull it together, everyone has moved back to the living room to give us the space we needed.
My mom’s hand lands on my shoulder, silently making sure I’m okay. Giving me a soft knowing smile and a wink, she asks, “Kali, baby, do you wanna go with Gram and Gramps’ tonight?” She leans into her ear, mock whispering loud enough that I can clearly hear, “We have your favorite ice cream and your other present over at the house.”
Kali squeals in excitement and is out of her seat, completely forgetting what just went down. “Yes, yes, sleepover!” Oh the joy of kids and their short attention spans, even though I know she worries about me way more than any six-year-old should.
I mindlessly start cutting the cake, placing it on the little pink plastic plates. Marley and Maddox are at the side of the table, adding forks and handing them out to the folks who want some.
My best friends.
Maddox and I were inseparable growing up. When I met Ashley, Maddox welcomed her in from the beginning. And with Ashley came Marley, her best friend, for my best friend. Eventually all of us were inseparable. We had double-date nights every Friday, spent the holidays together, and celebrated all life events.
When we found out Ashley was pregnant a year into our marriage, we were beyond excited. Marley planned the baby shower, helped decorate Kali’s nursery, and was even in the delivery room with us.
I can still see the panic on Marley’s face from the side of Ashley’s bed as she came in and out of consciousness. Marley stayed with Kali at the little warmer, so I could follow as they rushed the love of my life through the hallways to the nearest operating room.
The doctor came out and gave me the news that would forever change my life. “Your wife had severe bleeding we couldn't get under control. We won't know more until we do more testing."
Had.
Had.
Had.
That one word repeats in my head constantly.
Everything from there on was a blur until Kali turned one. Honestly, it still is. I go through waves of grief, but the milestones are the hardest. She should be here with me, seeing Kali grow into the little functioning human that she is. Ashley would’ve made an amazing mom, something that she talked about wanting since the moment I met her. But the very thing she wanted so badly, took her life.
Maddox and Marley held me together like the glue I so desperately needed. I lost my wife on the same day my daughter was born, and her birthday will always be shadowed with that guilt, no matter how hard I try to hide it. It kills me that Kali has to grow up without a mother, and it eats at my soul that she never got to experience Ashley and her joy.
Yet here they are at my side, silently supporting me, no matter what’s been thrown our way. They’re the true definition of best friends, and even though they’ve never wanted kids of their own, they treat Kali like she’s theirs.
I smile as Maddox’s big, bulky form stalks through the living room to hand my mom her plate of cake. As he makes his way back to the table, I tease, “I could get used to you handing my cake out.”
He chuckles as he steps up behind me, practically growling, “I’ll hand your cake out, Big Boy.” He slaps my ass—joking as always.
“My bike needs a back tire…There’s no way I can go tonight.” It does, but I also kind of just want to rot in the house on my own. But just as they always do, Marley and Maddox are quick to call me on my shit.
“You’re not sitting in this house and sulking while your parents have Kali,” Marley huffs. “Plus, I rode my bike over here too, you can just ride on the back of Maddox’s.”
I laugh, but it dies off quickly because this woman is so serious. “I am not backpacking for your husband.” I look at Maddox, silently begging him to back me up, but all this jackass does is shrug. “You can’t be serious…”
“We can come back here once we’re finished with our shoot.” I roll my eyes at Marley because I know she’s about to get exactly what she wants.
The brat.
