We haven’t spoken since I wrote those three little words. I think that she’s worried about my soul, probably my life in general. But I don’t know if I feel anything, honestly. I feel numb. It might be shock. I’m not worried about what happens to me. It’s not like I’ve been living this life to the fullest anyway, constantly in the shadows of my father’s reprimanding denial of who I truly am. It’s always been easier to hide a piece of myself, no matter how big it is. It’s my identity, but self-preservation won out. I chose to suppress my truth to avoid the hateful gaze of holy men.
I glance down at Milly’s head on my shoulder, my heart pinching at howgoodit feels to have her leaning on me. I’ve kissed a few girls, been to second base, but I guess you could classify me as a virgin. I tried to kiss a boy once when I was in high school, but had to hold in the gag. The sensation of the few hairs on his face stroking against my cheeks, paired with the taste of the dip lingering in his mouth and the too-strong smell of Axe body spray, felt wrong. He feltwrong. I wrote it off as the wrong man for me, still considering myself bisexual and capable of being happy with a man. Problem solved, right?
Flash forward a few years, and a few toads kissed, I realized without doubt that I was truly a lesbian. I tried to fight the inner pieces ofmyself, but became comfortable just cruising through the supposed best years of my life to avoid any further conflict. I’ve always been more of a loner. Even as a teenager, I just felt more comfortable lost in the music of my favorite records. If anything, I became comfortable thinking I was born weird.
I chew on my lip, rubbing Milly’s back in soothing circles. My parents were normal, well, at least my mom. Their support in my formative years made this realization even harder. They always encouraged every sport, every hobby, every opportunity possible for me growing up, and for that, I will forever be thankful.
It hurts to think back on the past, especially remembering how my father was when she was alive. I wonder if she’d be livid over what Dad has done to my college career, let aloneme.
I flinch a little, and Milly lifts her head and looks at me with sad, concerned eyes.
“Wewillfigure this out—we must,” she whispers.
I smile at her and lift my hand to her beautiful, soft curls. I twirl my finger around the one framing her cheek, cherishing the smoothness against my rough fingertips.
“It’ll be alright, Milly. I’m not that worried.” I shrug off the underlying nerves.
I gaze into her eyes and see the slight fire seep into her golden irises. I smile tightly and drop the curl from my fingers and face forward again, with my head against the wall.
“I’ve spent my whole life hiding, but it’s not until I truly have to hide that I find the courage to step out of the shadows.” I close my eyes and continue, “I don’t want to hide who I am anymore, Milly. I thought I didn’t care about hiding a piece of myself from the world, but being in the shadows every single day of my fucking life isexhausting.
All I had to do was not act on what my heart wanted. It could have been much worse. But it is draining, Milly. I’m tired of not loving someone the way I want to, expressing myself the way I want to, allbecause of fear. I will be damned if another religious man tells me who I can and cannot love.”
Milly places her hand on my thigh, and my body tingles in response to her touch. I roll my head to the side as I open my eyes. I follow her delicate fingers rubbing across my thigh, holding my breath slightly, scared to break the moment.
What I would give to not be wearing these joggers, to feel her touch on my leg, skin to skin. I shiver slightly, and she pulls her hand back abruptly. I snatch her hand and place it back on my leg, shaking my head.
“Don’t–”
“Forgive me–”
We both start at the same time and smile sadly. I nod my head to encourage her to speak.
“Forgive me, I fear my touch is colder than what you may be accustomed to. I wish it were not so.”
I place my hand on top of hers and rub the back of her hand. “And my touch is probably rougher than most. I only shivered because…” I swallow. “Your touch ignites a part of my soul I haven’t felt before.”
Her hand pulls away from mine, and I glance up, confused, as I feel her fingers trail up along my thigh slowly. I shiver again, seeing Milly bite her lip in response.
“I must confess, Shadow. There is something truly pleasurable in watching you tremble.”
I inhale on a short breath, lost for air at her words. I lift my neck toward her as she leans over me slightly, her fingers sliding higher and higher up my thigh as cool air is exhaled from her mouth onto my neck.
The area pebbles in goosebumps as her tongue darts out and licks from the base up to my ear, nibbling on the lobe. I gasp, offering more of my neck, desperate to feel more of her on me.
She pulls her other hand onto my abdomen as she continues her kisses from my ear to sucking softly and nibbling my neck, slowlyuntying the laces of my pants at the same time. I tense, and she halts her movements.
“Use your words, Shadow. That sweet tongue of yours—don’t let it falter now. I shall stop the moment you bid me. I must hear your consent. Say it, and mean it.”
I nod, whimpering, “Yes. Please, Milly, touch me. I want this.”
She continues to untie my pants and pulls them down slowly as she purrs into my ear, “Good girl.”
The words are enough to undo me. Being praised by this woman is and will be the end of me. I’d do anything she asked, anything to hear two words uttered toonly mefor my entire existence.
I lift my hips slightly as she moves both her hands to the waist of my pants, continuing to shift them down below my ass.
She traces the black lace thong around the front of my pussy with her fingers, and I swallow in anticipation.
