“You played so good though.”
“Thank you, I’ll have to teach you some passes one day.”
His whole face lights up. “Really? You mean it? That would be awesome!”
“Sure.” I beam at him.
“Santa brought me a signed Raptors football for Christmas.”
“Did he?” I act surprised. “Wow, Santa’s amazing. What a wonderful gift.”
“I know! I love it sooooo much.”
“Okay, Sam,” Rachel says, kneeling down to her son as I stand. “Can you please go inside and help Nanny with the cookies she was baking?”
“Ahh, Mommy,” he whines. “Do I have to?” He stands on his tippy toes to whisper to her not so subtly. “That’s the Raptors quarterback; he’s famous.”
“I’m well aware who he is, honey, now off you go.” She points back inside.
“Fine.” He huffs and then turns to me. “Bye.” Sam waves to me, then heads back inside.
“Bye.” I wave as a beat of guilt runs through my body. What a little legend, and I referred to him as ‘baggage’.I fucking hate myself.
Rachel closes the door and steps out onto the front porch. In cut-off shorts and a loose, oversized t-shirt enveloping her body that reminds me of our first night together. She looks beautiful, and all I want to do is reach out and hold her.
“Wow, he is super cute! He looks just like you.”
Her eyes are downcast, and there's a faint furrow in her brow as she stares at the ground. She folds her arms over her perfect chest and lets out a sigh. “You can’t say things to him like that. It will only upset him when you don’t spend time with him.”
“Who said I won’t? I’m free on Sunday, I can meet you at the park,” I say, laying my charm on thick and pushing down the guilt still racking my body. “I’m free right now, let’s grab the car seat and go,” I say, thumbing to my truck.
“Why are you here?”
“Because I’m such an asshole.”
“No argument here.”
“My feelings for you are—were—freaking me out!” I sigh, raking my hands over my face. “I’ve never experienced it before. It was such a stupid thing to say…”
She looks to me as I ramble on. Then, taking a deep breath, I hold her eye contact. “This terrifies me. I don’t get feelings for girls like I have you. You are different, and you have a kid…and he is great,” I quickly add, taking a step closer to her. “But it’s just I don’t know…scary…and I feel like I was trying to talk myself out of my feelings. To make up reasons why I’m not right for you. Why we shouldn’t be together…how my life and your life are so, so…different.”
“Is this meant to be an apology?”
“Yes, because I am sorry, but I’m also here to tell you that this,” I gesture between us. “You, me, and Sam, it doesn’t scareme anymore. Not even a little bit. I want this! I want you, and if Sam is half as amazing as you, then I know he is going to be the cherry on top!”
“I don’t think you deserve to know him right now.”
“Please, Rachel, I do. I get it now. Please, you have to forgive me, let me prove it.”
“I have to go, Randy,” she says, stepping back toward the door and reaching for the handle.
I sidestep parallel to her. “Just think about it, please, Rachel?” I beg.
She gives a small nod, then shuts the door in my pleading face.
Baby steps.
I’ll take anything at this point.
