“You look like a natural, Julian. I think fatherhood agrees with you.”
“Thanks, Doc. I, uh, did what you suggested and wrote the letters I’ll never send. Went a little extra and burned them afterwards.”
“To Todd and Brandi?” When I nod at the screen, she asks, “And how did it feel to get all that off your chest?”
“Not much different than before, to be honest. But gradually over the next few weeks, I noticed a shift.”
She waits quietly on the other side of the monitor, pen poised above her notepad, the soft smile in place.
“As I navigated being a new dad these past weeks, I became hyperaware of how lucky I am to have Jason as an example, which brought me around to how they must not have had good examples in their lives.” I shrug my shoulders, gently so I don’t wake Davis.
Claire’s voice drops an octave, probably given the swaddled bundle in my arms. “Wow, Julian. That’s huge. Incredible insight. Really. Proud of you.”
My lips slant to the side as my brows inch up on my forehead. “Well, I can’t say I totally forgive them, but I can find small amounts of grace when I think of them as little kids that maybe didn’t get any better than what they gave me.”
“Baby steps. And remember, forgiveness isn’t even about them. It’s for you.”
“I’m aware. ‘It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’ I was listening.”
“Unforgiveness, yes. Forgiving them just sets you free from the anger and bitterness. It helps us move on.”
“I’m getting there. For them.” I lift my son toward the display. “I’m committed to the work.” I nod at her image. “I don’t want to pass that on—the anger—to them. I only want them to know love.”
“Julian, you know you can’t protect them from every negative life experience. I don’t want you to set yourself up for unrealistic parenting goals here. Every parent—most parents—want to protect their children from the ugliness of the world, but that’s not how it works.”
I snuggle him closer to me and count my breaths. “I’m well aware, Doc.” I hear the front door close and keys settle on the entryway table.Ever.My heart thuds a little harder, a little louder in my chest. My pulse quickens.
Davis tunes into the change in my energy and squirms.
I exhale a long slow breath through pursed lips and raise my eyes back to Claire, bounce my arms a little until he settles again. “It’s why I’m doing the work, so I can be the best dad and husband I possibly can. They deserve that.”
“Julian, so do you.”
I look back down at my son, my eyes swimming again.Is this going to be my new normal?I blink them away and nod. “I do.” I press my lips to his forehead again, inhale his scent and rub my lips against his fuzzy head.
“Let’s leave it here and pick this up at our next session. You’re doing great, Julian.”
“Thanks, Claire. For everything.”
“You did the work. I just—”
“Listened. I know. Thanks for listening.”
“Of course. See you next time. Bye, Davis.” She whispers the last part, then the screen goes blank.
Rising out of the chair, I move toward the door and freeze. Ever leans on the jamb.
“Hi, husband.” My mouth goes dry looking at her.
“Hi, wife. How’d the appointment go?”
“Clean bill of health. ‘Everything is healing well, and you’re good to resume all normal activities, including exercise and sexual intercourse, as you feel ready.’ So really the question is, do I feel ready?” She takes the baby out of my arms, pads to the nursery and lays him down in his crib. Tiptoeing back out, she pulls the door almost closed, turns, snakes her arms around my waist and tilts her head back to meet my eyes. Hers flash with unmistakable playfulness.
“Do tell, sweet wife, are you ready?” With one arm curled around her lower back, I pull her to me. With the other, I tuck a strand of loose hair behind her ear, rubbing the smooth lobe between my thumb and finger.
She closes her eyes and leans into my touch. “So ready.” She presses her lips to mine and I inhale deeply.
My sunshine girl, but now she smells like sunshine and sea and baby, and it’s a scent that wants to bring me to my knees to worship this creature I’m lucky enough to call mine.
