I hold my hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I, uh, guess it’s easier to not have anyone around so I don’t have to risk losing them or them not . . . loving me back.”
She nods and scribbles something on her notepad. “When those first relationships are devoid of basic nurturing and unconditional love, it skews ourlove map.” She uses finger quotes for love map and elaborates. “Or our emotional blueprint for future relationships. Speaking of your parents—”
“What about them? Also, can we not call them that?”
“Children who feel like they must earn their parents’ love can grow up with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. It can create a fear that love is temporary and can be taken away at any moment. It’s less about what happened and more about what didn’t happen.”
“They didn’t hold me, therefore I don’t like to be held.”
“Oversimplifying, but yes. Any updates on your . . . Todd?”
“I guess he could get life in prison. They said twenty-five to life, but it’s a process. Could take up to a year before he’s sentenced.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
A smirk splits my face at her very typical shrink response. I shrug in answer but then add, “Heshouldget life for what he did.” I can talk about it like it happened to someone else. I don’t pictureherwhen I do.
Claire is nodding again. “What about your mom?”
More shrugging. “I paid off her trailer. Put the rest of my grandfather’s money in a trust for her. She gets a monthly allowance if she stays clean and must submit to drug tests. If she doesn’t stay clean, she doesn’t get paid, but she can use the money for a treatment program. A trustee handles it all so I don’t have to be involved.”
“That was nice of you to do that for her.” She writes something in her notebook.
I fidget in my chair.
“Have you spoken to her?”
Shaking my head, I profess, “There’s nothing to say. The money was her father’s. I barely knew him. I don’t need the money. And I don’twantthe money that could’ve caused . . . that made him resort to kidnapping.”Like it happened to someone else. Not her. Because of me.
“I think that’s a reasonable and healthy boundary. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Doc.” I look down at my hands where my fingers flick my nails in my lap.
“Julian, I’d like to discuss the other side of that boundary. I applaud your ability to draw a line with people who don’t deserve to be in your life. I’d like to see you open up to letting people in who do deserve it—who do want to love you and be good to you and be there for you.”
I blow a long breath out through puffed cheeks. “What if there’s no one around who wants to do that?”
“What if there is but you won’t let them?”
“Isn’t time up or something?” I really do like her smile. I smile back.
“We can call it good for today. But can you do something for me?”
I nod. “Sure.”
“Can you start paying attention to times where someone wants to do something nice for you, be there for you, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem. Then pay attention to your feelings and reactions to those offers, gestures. Can you do that?” More nodding. “Write them down if you can. We can discuss them next time.”
“Okay. Sure. Have a nice time in Tahoe.”
“Thanks, Julian. See you soon.”
Chapter 17
Everly
One Month Later
“I’ll be fine.” My declaration is met with eye rolls and jeers. Standing in the middle of their open floor plan living room, Tatum and Lennon are giving ridicule in stereo. Twin thing, I guess. “Seriously, I’ll have you guys—and Lilly promised to show, too.”
