It’s physically painful that you’re only a few steps away, across a cold tile floor, probably naked except for the soft cotton pajama bottoms I love that hang low on your hips. My mouth goes dry at the memory of how soft and smooth the skin of your chest is. The way it heats my fingertips when I touch you. The way your biceps ripple when I grip them tight, wanting more of whatever you’re giving me. Is this what falling feels like? If it is, then here’s the spoiler. It’s better than the books, Julie. You’re better than all my imaginings of what the guy I’d fall for would be. You’re perfect and beautiful. And I don’t mind saying it because you’ll never read this anyway.
Good night, sweet Julian. I hope you dream of me as I’ll surely dream of you.
Love, Ever
I close the journal. At some point, I’d sunk to the bed reading it—just that first page. I came to my senses after that.I can’t do this.I shouldn’t have done it. It wasn’t for me to ever see.But I don’t—can’t—totally regret reading that one page. It’s not dated, but it had to be after we’d been together—maybe before we slept together. It doesn’t even matter. I’m euphoric with hope. And I’m more determined than ever to keep my girl. Whether I deserve her or not doesn’t matter. She’s mine and I’m hers. Whatever else happened or is going on, I know that much is true. She knows it too, even if she needs a reminder. I trace my finger over the last line.Love, Ever.I flip to the back and tear a blank sheet from the spiral binding, swipe a pencil off the floor and lay the blank page over her name.
After I trace it onto the paper slowly and precisely, I hurriedly scoop all the fallen items back into the drawer, including the journal, and replace the drawer back in the nightstand. Earbuds searchforgotten, I retrieve my phone from my pocket and pull up a contact I haven’t used in three years.
Me:Hey Angel. It’s Julian. I need a favor. Today. Available?
Angel:. . .
My knee bounces as I watch the three little dots. It’s been a long time. Not sure I made a lasting impression. Random impulsive encounters don’t always make the core memory bank.
Angel:Random, but yeah. Lucky you. How soon can you be here?
Me:15?
A thumbs-up sets me in motion. I’m taking it as another sign from the universe.
***
An hour later, I’m in my Jeep ready to take the short drive back to Blue Lake, when my phone chimes with Ever’s text tone. My heart leaps as I slide my device out of my pocket. I can feel my pulse in my fingertips.
Ever:Hey Julie, can we talk?
Butterflies and the pit in my stomach fight for dominance. I’m encouraged by her calling me Julie.The universe is on my side, right?
Me:Sure. When and where?
Ever:Here at sunset?
Me:Yep. Can I bring anything?
Ever:Just you ;)
Her cute reply and wink calm my racing heart.The universe is on my side.I let the crisp air of turning seasons rush through the windows all the way home. I don’t play music and instead focus on the sights andsmells of Cavern County.Home.I take in the oak tree-lined highways, the rolling foothills of yellow brush, the endless blue sky dotted with sporadic wispy clouds. Sunset will hit in a couple hours. Plenty of time to get home, shower, change and take a slow walk to Brew and my old apartment. My hand goes automatically to my chest. I don’t rub though, and instead I tap it with my fingertips. The unhurried walk I hope will keep me calm and prepare me for whatever it is Everly has to say.
She loves me. I know she loves me.
***
Clouds make for spectacular sunsets. Tonight’s looks epic. Another sign? At the top of the stairs to my apartment, I take one last look behind me at the lake view. Reaching for the door handle, I pause, ponder for a second, before I raise my knuckles to lightly rap on the door. She opens it within moments, a weird smile on her face. Because I knocked instead of walking in? Fuck, this is awkward. I forget the unease when her scent hits my nose. But it’s mixed with . . . the aroma of her favorite meal? I want to reach for her, tuck the loose lock of hair behind her ear, kiss her on the soft spot below her earlobe, breathe in her sunshine scent.
I smile instead. “Hi.” I stuff my itching fingers into the pocket of my joggers.
“Hi.” Her weird smile is replaced by her sweet, shy smile I love so much. She reaches up and tucks the strand of hair behind her ear.
I swallow, watching her finger trail the shell and twirl the ends of the curling chestnut lock. Looking past me, she gasps at the sight of the sinking sun.
I turn my gaze to follow hers. “Incredible, right?” I knew the clouds would help paint a good one tonight.
“Yeah. Wanna go down to the beach for it? Or watch from the deck?”
“Whatever you want.” I want to hug her. Should I ask if I can hug her? Is it weird to ask?
“Let’s just watch it here. I made dinner. We can eat after if you’re . . . Are you hungry?”
