It raises the hairs on the back of my neck and sends a surge of . . . jealousy . . . to my gut. Who is this fucking guy?The ranch hand. Like I used to be.I dislike him immediately, despite his welcoming kindness.
“Jay—uh—Julian,” I reply late, awkwardly.
Taya speaks up, “He’s my . . . An old friend . . . from high school.”
“Nice to meet you, Julian.” Mitchell smiles at me, but it fades as he notes my expression.
I can feel the frown between my eyes. I intentionally relax my features and smile back. “You too, Mitchell.” I make myself say his name and look him squarely in the eye, exactly like I’d address a client or business acquaintance. He’s not my enemy or my competition, I remind myself. So why am I acting so territorial?
“C’mon. Let’s go see your girlfriend. I’m sure she missed you.”
My heart drops into my shoes. Ever’s face swims before me like a mirage. I know Taya means her horse. I refocus my brain on the now, my eyes on the familiar stall, and move my feet toward it.
“Jay used to work here in high school,” Taya calls back to Mitchell as we movethrough the barn.
“Yeah? And which one is your girlfriend? Wait. Lemme guess. Sugar.” His words are met with Taya’s affirming giggle. “She’s such a flirt.”
“She’s such a flirt.” Taya and Mitchell say it at the same time. Then laugh together at their timing.
I feel out of place. Like a third wheel. I rub the spot on my chest as I move to Sugar’s stall.
“Here, try these.”
I turn at the sound of Mitchell’s voice behind me as he pulls a couple carrots from his back pocket. I take them and nod a thanks, not trusting my voice. I don’t know if Taya and Mitchell are a thing, but I know that look. The one on his face. Because I used to have it too. I place my hand on the top of the stall.
Sugar pauses her grazing and eyes me. Trotting over to the gate, she whinnies and tosses her head. She nuzzles my hand. Then she drops her head over the top of the gate, trying to nudge me.
I offer her a carrot and rub her soft nose. “Hi, pretty girl. You remember me?” She tosses her head at me again as if to say yes.
Behind me, Taya and Mitchell softly laugh.
“I think it’s safe to say she does.” Taya steps next to me and scratches behind the ears. “Right, Sugar? We didn’t forget.”
She says “we” not “you” and it makes my heart bleed, my eyes sting. I turn and stalk out of the barn and around the corner to the old picnic table.Mypicnic table. I sit on the surface and prop my feet on the attached bench, resting my arms on my thighs. Staring across the rolling hills of their pasture, I take a few deep breaths, but I can’t stop the pressure behind my eyes. I press my thumb and forefinger to them to try. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I once again attempt to wrapmy brain around this reality. The one that doesn’t feel real but is right here in front of me.
Then I feel her hand on my shoulder, her hips sliding next to mine on the table, her body heat. “Hey. You okay?” She leans toward me, her hair swinging forward, brushing against my arm.
“No, Taya. I’m not,” I add pointedly. “Are you?” I drop my hand and turn my head to look at her. We’re so close I can count the freckles on her nose. My body reacts to her on its own. My pulse speeds up, her pull undeniable, but it’s not me, Julian. It’s me, Jayce. Eighteen-year-old Jayce Keller. Young and in love. It’s like I’ve found a time machine or fallen through some portal to the past. Being this close to her, in this place, fucks with my head. I lift my hand to her face.
Her eyes close and she exhales through barely parted lips. Her breath kisses my lips.
“Jay.” She says it like a plea. “We can’t. You love her. I saw how much.”
“I loved you too. I think I still do.” A tear slips down my face.
She traces it with her finger, then cups my cheek in her hand. “Not like you love her. Maybe you love the memory of us.” She drops her forehead to mine. “We didn’t deserve this, Jay. But we aren’t those kids anymore.”
I close my eyes and, in the middle of my exhale, feel her lips touch the corner of mine. I reach my other hand up to cradle her face. Her cheek is damp like mine. I want to kiss her back. But it’s not me now, it’s time machine me.
Mitchell clears his throat behind us, breaking the spell. We don’t spring apart like we’re caught. We just separate. As Taya said, we’re not those kids anymore.
“Hey, Mitch.” Taya turns her head toward him and rests her chin on her shoulder.
“I saddled them up like you asked. I’m going to head out now if that’s all.”
“Thanks.” She turns her face back to me, one eyebrow lifted, and says, “You remember how to ride?”
Yeah, thanks, Mitch. Man to man, your timing couldn’t have been better.What the fuck are you doing, Julian? Lock it the fuck up.I rub the spot on my chest as I try to mirror her grin. “I think so. Not sure joggers and gym shoes are the right fit for it, though.” Still, I hop off the table and follow her into the barn.
