Leonid slices through that reverie. “She’s holding up fine being a Yuri.”
“Yeah, with the girls,” I allow. “That doesn’t mean I’m fucking her. Or that I ever would.”
And I shouldn’t.
Leonid looks at me long after I look away.
“You’re a fucking idiot.”
I get up and pour us another round of drinks.
“Just shut up and drink, Leo,” I sigh.
Chapter 12 - Janella
“Janella?” Otto breaks through my trance.
I look out the window. We’re at the café.
“Oh, sorry,” I mutter, grabbing my purse from beside me. “I don’t know where my head is today, Otto.”
That’s a lie. I know exactly where my head is—and who it’s on.
Guilt wriggles like a worm in my belly. “You want to come in for a sandwich?” I offer.
I always do. And Otto never takes me up on it. At least he doesn’t look astonished I’m offering anymore.Baby steps.
“No, thank you, miss,” he predictably answers. “Have a nice day.”
I get out of the SUV. “Back atcha, Otto,” I say.
The cheer in my voice comes out sounding false.
Technically, that isn’t new to me. It just feels like it—and I’ve got no one but myself to blame for that. In a matter of weeks, I’ve stupidly let myself get used to my cocoon. Where there had previously been chaos and cruelty, my days are filled with routine and calm.
She’s not even my fucking type.Iosif’s mean, indignant words echo in my head for the hundredth time since last night. Like every time before, they humiliate me. They make me feel small.
Unlocking the café, I can’t help but hate myself a little for letting myself get used to feeling anything but.
Pushing past the mortification, I let myself in. I can’t keep spinning out about this. I won’t. It stings, but it’s better toknow. I should’ve known better than to expect his perception of me to change just because mine has. I remind myself he earned the change. He gave me this—gave me mom’s café. Gave me a new lease on life. Gave me wonderful women to surround myself with, who build me up and trust me with their inner lives.
Don’t you think about him. It’s your own fault for misinterpreting his friendship. He apologized for jerking off in front of you because he regretted it. He told his brother his balls were blue, didn’t he? You were just around that night. This isn’t about you. He doesn’t think about you!
So what if I’m just his charity case?
I have so much to be grateful for.
I have to hold onto that.
Standing in the middle of The Great Escape, I turn in a slow circle.
This,I tell myself.This is what you need to focus on. You can pay him back what he paid for it. Buy it from him legitimately. Think about that. Not him.
If only it weren’t so much easier said than done.
***
The day passes. In the middle of the week, traffic is great. Boston’s gentrification has led to office buildings cropping up all around this spot. Throw in the quick, albeit not long-lasting, curiosity spurred by the digital age, and I’ve got no time left for my thoughts. Just like I wanted.
