“I know you did,” she says. “You were always so afraid. What do you think it was that you were afraid of?” she asks.
I chew on my lip for a moment, thinking about that. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to love someone and lose them. I couldn’t bear the thought, you know?” I ask, and her smile fades.
“It is a sentence worse than death,” she says, and that hits me hard. Harder than Jaylen’s fist.
“Then why do it? Why fall in love at all?” I ask genuinely.
“Because it’s much worse to live without it…to never know it.”
I know the phrase.It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.But honestly, looking at my mom right now as she slips in and out of the past and present, I don’t know if that’s true. The pain I see in her eyes is deep. But it also hits me that I’ve already passed that point. The point where I can’t go back. The feelings are already there. The memories of her in that dress…of her face when I stole her away…of her walking around the villa in her oversized shirt. Of her yelling at me with fire in her eyes one minute and laughing playfully on the beach the next. Of her making cocktails and kissing me, and falling asleep on my chest. It’s all already there.
“You know,” Mom says. “We almost didn’t get married.”
“What?” I ask.
“Yep. We got in a fight the day of our wedding,” she nods.
“You did?”
“Sure did.”
“About what?” I ask, hardly believing it.
“Your Uncle Louie didn’t like him,” she answers, and I am lost.
“Uncle Louie didn’t like Dad,” I echo.
“Nope,” she shakes her head with a smirk. “Not one bit. He was worried because we fell so hard and so fast. He was very protective of me, your uncle. He did everything he could to prevent it. Threatened to come along on dates. One time, when your dad came to pick me up for dinner, when we walked outside, because, you know, back then, a man parked his car first and then went to the door. When we walked outside, we both just stopped. In the short amount of time it took your dad to come inside, help me into my jacket, and say hello to your grandmother, Uncle Louie had taken all the tires off his car and had the car mounted on cinder blocks.”
“Jesus,” I let out. “That’s fucked up.”
“Itwasfucked up. It was also hilarious,” she says, and we both laugh. “Nothing can stand in the way if you both love each other,” she says. “And the people who love you will support you. Even if it takes some time for them to come around.”
I think about that. At this point, we have done everything we can do. I’m obviously going to try to talk to Jaylen, but ultimately, it’s whatever he decides. And I am going to have to accept that. We both are. Because at the end of the day, I know where my heart is at. For the first time in my life, I have allowed my heart to do what it wants. To go where it wants. To love who it wants. And I’m not about to lose it. I can’t lose her. Even if it means worst comes to worst.
“Thank you, Mom,” I say. “I knew I’d feel better if I talked to you.”
I look up to see Mom staring out the window again. Her hands are clasped in her lap, and her eyes are glassy. “Couldn’t find the wings,” she whispers. “Found the beaks, but couldn’t find the wings.”
“Mom?” I ask, leaning in. The nurse appears in the doorway, watching us and ready to take over if need be.
“All those pretty yellow feathers,” she says. “What a shame.”
“Mrs. Levine,” the nurse says. Mom blinks, turning to the nurse. The look of weariness in her eyes is replaced with slight irritation. Then her eyes flash back to me.
“Oh. Asher. When did you get here?” she asks, and my stomach sinks.
“I just came in to check on you,” I tell her.
“Oh,” she smiles momentarily before it fades. “I am very tired today.”
“I know, Mom,” I say, standing and putting my hand on her shoulder.
“I wish I could talk more,” she says.
“Trust me, Mom. You’ve done more than enough.”
With that, I make my way out. As I walk to my car, I know what I have to do. I know what matters most. Even if it is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.
