All at once, the expansive library became suffocatingly small, the walls collapsing in as I stared at Callen and heard the cautious desperation so plainly in his question.
Thousands didn’t deserve to die because of the uncooperative and selfish few.The thought had been targeted at those who rebelled against rations, but the statement now turned against me, prodding with sharp edges that pierced the steadily weakening beliefs I’d steadfastly held this entire time.
I didn’t want the responsibility of knowing the path—it wasn’t mine to have. This was the stubborn opinion that’d been fact for me. But what wasactuallyfact was that, regardless of whether I ever desired to be in this position, I was here, with the opportunity to bring us into the Domus and access the resources so many of us needed. The crop plague only exacerbated that need.
To refuse that duty was selfish. Disgustingly so.
And I hadn’t even thought of that until now because…because I’d only ever been selfish. It was the way of this world: look out for oneself and ensure one’s own survival. It was the mantra I lived by. I made no friends, had no lovers, because caring for others outside of Merelda was a complication I always refused. But this complication—the fate of an entire Territory, maybe even of this world—that wasn’t a complication I could refuse. If I did, I would be just as bad as those rebels I’d just frowned upon. I would be…I would bekillingpeople,just as Koerlyn did.
And no matter the changes I’d undergone in the past weeks, I still knew that I was too good to accept that from myself.
My gaze swung to Harthon.
I’d been worried about giving the wrong person access to the resources under the Domus. I’d been worried about making the wrong person into a king.
Harthon was not the wrong person. Not when he so clearly cared forallof his people.
It was the feeling within my gut, an instinctual response, and whether or not it was misguided, too many livelihoods were at stake to ignore it. Merelda, the one who preached of kindness so often it made me sick, would want me to do this. Perhaps it was time thatIwanted to do this.
I drew in a shuddering breath, realizing that Callen’s question had been hanging unanswered all this time. Harthon, the man who promised to keep Merelda safe whether or not I helped him, only watched me with patience.
It was in a quiet voice that I said, “There might be hope. I just need a little time to pull the path from my mind.”
As the declaration rolled from my tongue, a feeling of lightness washed over me, as if something that had been riding me, sitting on my shoulders, had stepped away. Harthon’s lips spread, his teeth just managing to peek through as he smiled in that stunning way of his, the gold flecks in his eyes seeming to glow.
“Any ideas on how long that might take?” North asked, reminding me that Harthon was not the only other person in this room.
“I don’t know. Just weeks, hopefully.”
Josenne had said I needed to want it. I wanted it now, but this want was new. It certainly wasn’t the all-consuming desire she’d referred to. This was uncharted territory for me.
“If Etarla doesn’t make any progress by the time of the Conquering Day celebration, we’ll begin seriously planning an offensive. For these next few weeks, we focus on the crop plague and defending Koerlyn’s tests,” Harthon decided, and the others murmured their agreement. Then his brows furrowed, his expression hinting toward apprehension. “How is the looter boy doing?”
I’d almost forgotten about the child.
Ana’s lips pulled into a smirk as she eyed the bearded behemoth beside her. “Well, considering he’s stuck with North as his mentor, he’s doing surprisingly well. Hasn’t run off screaming yet.”
I gaped, unable to imagine a world in which the prickly, terrifying second-in-command would mentor a young boy. Even Harthon seemed to be at a loss for words.
North didn’t take well to the reaction. “Don’t fucking look at me like that.”
Callen snorted. “Come on, North. What kind of reaction do you expect?”
“Joris is busy with his new baby, and assecond-in-commandof this Territory, I’ve been too occupied to find anyone else. The second I have a free minute, I’m handing the kid off.”
“You say that, but maybe you’ll enjoy exploring your nurturing side,” Callen crooned, as if his primary intention was to rile North into fury. Based on the vein that protruded in North’s forehead, Callen was accomplishing his goal.
“I’ll enjoy kicking your ass the second this meeting is done,” he snarled.
“I do love a morning training session.”
“You won’t after this, pretty boy.”
“North,” Harthon interrupted, waiting for the two men to relax back in their seats. “How is the boy, really?”
“He’s adapting quickly. Mending his leg and feeding him regularmeals have gone a long way in earning his trust. I have him under guard when I’m not around, but he hasn’t tried anything. Doesn’t seem to miss his troop much.”
“Good. Is he ready to see me yet?”
