I reared back, the words like a slap.
“You like him.”
“He’s fine. Time is running out before he returns.”
She quieted for a moment, sliding her tongue across her rotten teeth. “Do you know the route into the Domus?” she asked.
This was truly a waste of time. “No.”
“Do you think it is within your mind?”
“There’s evidence that suggests—”
She cut me off with a wagging finger. “Uh uh uh. That was not my question. Do youthink,” she tapped her head, “it is within your mind?”
I took a deep breath. “Ithinkthat if it were within my mind, I wouldknow it.”
“Do youwantto know it?” she pressed.
“Yes.”
She smiled. “That’s a lie.”
“Then no.”
“Lie again,” she sing-songed.
I ground my teeth together. “What does any of this have to do with uncovering the route?”
Josenne ignored me, her smile widening. “What is your honest answer to my question?”
If it wasn’t yes and it wasn’t no, then it was, “I don’t know.”
Did I want the responsibility of infiltrating Centralis? No. I still wished to return to my old life with Merelda. But was I still against Harthon? The waters to that question had become muddied, and I no longer knew where I lay.
“Well, darling, that is your problem. You cannot know the route if you do not want it.”
“Ihavewanted it. I’ve tried to see if it’s in my mind. I’ve asked for it to appear. It never has.”
She laughed again, and my hands clenched into fists. “That is not truly wanting, girl,” she chastised, dripping condescension.
“If it’s within my mind, it shouldn’t be difficult to access. Themagvisgave me her eyes, but she didn’t give me anything more,” I said, not caring that my voice had risen. We’d suffered through Ellan’s party and been attacked by wolves to get here, and she offerednothing.
Her lips flattened into a hard line. “Do not pretend to know things you have no knowledge of,” she snapped, spittle flying. Then she lurched to her feet and leaned across the table. “Themagvisis dead, and you have her eyes, so the route is within you. But you are not amagvis, girl. Her knowledge does not sit in your brain like a dinner recipe or word, ready to be plucked for use. It cannot be summonedwith a simple, mundane request. You mustwantit. With your whole being, all your soul, you mustwantit, because from the moment it was passed to you, you did not deserve to have it.”
She was right: Ididn’tdeserve to have it. Not when I still wished to run off to Merelda and hide us from the world. Not when I still despised the moment themagvislaid her hands on me and tore me from my reality, plaguing me with far more responsibility than I ever wanted.
I would never show Harthon the tunnels. Not because they weren’t within my mind, but because I would never, ever want to with my whole being. Even if I couldn’t return to Merelda until I fulfilled my duty, I still wouldn’t be able to do it. At heart, I was a village girl, and no amount of cabinet meetings, elite parties, and special treatment would make me into the woman who strived to lead Princeps Harthon into Centralis and overhaul the world order.
Harthon chose that moment to enter, and Josenne slowly took her seat again.
“Done?” he asked.
More than ready to leave, I stood and walked to the door without another glance behind me.
“Girl,” she called. I paused at the doorway but didn’t turn. “Do not pretend to know things you have no knowledge of,” she repeated.
I’d heard her the first time.
