“Hey, um, Clay?”I nervously scratched at my arm as I waited for the other man to look up at me with blue eyes, so similar yet so different than my own. “Can we talk?”
It was the morning after my run-in with Kitt in the pool, and my embarrassing panic attack, and I needed to talk to someone. There were no therapists here like there were at the recovery center, and no outside phone lines that would even let me call one. So, with limited options, there was only one option.
Luckily, that option was a very good one.
I found Clay sitting poolside, lounging in a sun chair under the artificial light as if we were on vacation, but as soon as he heard my question, he sat up and patted the space beside him.
“Sure. What’s up?”
I slumped more than sat on the chair, with my elbows braced heavily on my knees and my head hanging so my pink tipped bangs fell over my eyes.
“You and that guy, Logan, have been together for a while, right?”
Clay shrugged and mimicked my posture, but something about the set of his shoulders made him look more contemplative than defeated like I felt. “Depends on what you mean by ‘together’. We’ve technically been dating for about a year, but a lot of that was long distance and we weren’t actually... doing anything, if you get my meaning.”
Even if his double entendre hadn’t been plainly obvious, the suggestive movement of his eyebrows would have been.
“And how long have the two of you been... doing things?”
A blush came to Clay’s face, but it was accompanied by a slight smile, making it clear that he wasn’t upset by the question. In fact, it seemed to bring him joy to think about.
“That aspect of our relationship took some time to work up to, but I’m glad we took it slow. Our first time was a couple months ago, and it’s been great ever since.” His gaze narrowed as he looked at me. “Why the sudden interest in my sex life? Just curious, or is this personal?”
I twisted my fingers together, and stared down at my hands as I tried to find the right words. I had no idea how to explain my worries, but the knowing look in Clay’s eyes made me think that maybe he already knew.
If anyone could understand what I was thinking, it was him.
“How did you...” I started to say, but then stopped when I realized my statement would sound too accusative.
Shaking my head, I rearranged my words and tried again.
“When you realized you were attracted to Logan, did you feel... guilty?”
My voice fell so faint on the word “attracted” and stumbled so badly over the word “guilty” that it was a wonder Clay understood my question at all. However, enough of my words must have gotten through, because he just nodded in understanding. Like he knew exactly what I was asking, even though I barely knew what I was trying to say.
“Let me guess. You’ve finally experienced real attraction for the first time, and it made you remember all the monsters in the past who have lusted after you. That the sexual feelings you’re experiencing now make you no better than the people that used you for the same reason. Any of this sounding familiar?”
Keeping my eyes pointed down toward my hands, where I was practically making a Celtic knot out of my own fingers, I nodded.
“I, um... I had a panic attack.”
Clay’s shoulder bumped against mine, but he knew better than to let the physical contact last more than a moment without permission. “You all right?”
Taking a calming breath through my nose, I managed to sit up a little straighter and meet his gaze. “Yeah. The therapists at the recovery center have given me plenty of self-soothing techniques. It’s not the first panic attack I’ve had to deal with.”
It was the first one I’d experienced while being held by a half-naked man, but I wasn’t going to tell Clay that. While I was certain that Clay wouldn’t judge me, that moment behind the waterfall felt too personal to share. It belonged only to me and Kitt. Speaking it out loud and giving it life in someone else’s mind felt like I would be tainting it somehow.
I was allowed my privacy, damn it. Keeping something personal to myself was not the same as lying and shouldn’t make me feel guilty. I already had enough of that particular emotion as it was.
Clay held out a hand, silently asking for permission to touch. When I didn’t stop him, he placed a sturdy hand on my shoulder in a similar way that a father might while passing on wisdom to his child.
The absurdity of the action nearly made me snort in Clay’s face. The other man was only a couple years older than me. Barely old enough to be anyone’s father, let alone mine.
“Let me pass on some advice that my therapist gave me when I first started dating Logan. What you are feeling now is nothing like what those monsters felt for you. Everything you experienced in the past... we experienced in the past... that wasn’t sex. It wasn’t even lust. It was abuse. And it’s important to keep these things separate in your head. You are allowed to be attracted to people, and there’s nothing wrong with it so long as you aren’t forcing anything on anyone. Even if the person isn’t interested in you, it’s okay to have feelings for them. Being attracted to someone, and experiencing sexual desire, does not make you a monster.”
My thoughts wandered back to last night, and the spark of heat that had settled in my belly when I saw Kitt lounging in the water shirtless. I’d been so startled by the feeling that I hadn’t been able to analyze it properly, but with the clarity of hindsight and Clay’s reassurance, I realized that the attraction I felt last night really was very different than the way my abusers had lusted after me in the past. I had no desire to take anything from Kitt or force myself on him. Just the thought of hurting him the way I’d been hurt churned my stomach.
No, the heat I felt when I looked at him was warm and gentle, like a cozy blanket or bright ray of sunshine. It was something I could burrow into, bask in, or just hold tenderly in my heart without hurting anyone.
