I could only come up with one idea, but I wasn’t sure if it would help or hinder the situation.
“Sorry if I’m overstepping,” I told him as I gathered him up into my arms. He didn’t respond, but he didn’t immediatelyfreak out even more, so I took that as a good sign. Pressing his ear against my chest, I kept my own breathing deep and even as I encouraged him to focus on the sound of my heartbeat.
It worked slowly.
First, his muscles relaxed one by one until he came out of his defensive ball and rested more comfortably against my chest. Then, his breathing evened out. I knew it had worked when he finally opened his eyes and looked up at me with a clear gaze.
“Um... hi,” he said, repeating the very first words he’d said to me. A blush spread across his face, turning him just as crimson from embarrassment as he’d been when I caught him before.
“Are you all right?” I asked.
It was such an idiotic question. Of course he wasn’t all right, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. There was no script for this kind of situation. In a courtroom, I knew exactly what I needed to say to get a jury on my side. I could practice my speeches ahead of time to make them as effective as possible.
Comforting someone in the spur of the moment had never been my strong suit.
I could see the moment reality caught up with Jordy. His pupils constricted until they were just small black dots lost in a sea of blue, and he sat up until he was no longer leaning against me. I was loathe to let him go, but I also didn’t want to restrain him, so I kept my grip light enough that he could easily pull away.
To my relief, he only put a few inches between us, looking me up and down like he thought I might be some sort of mirage, and he was trying to see through me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean... it’s just... everything’s been so chaotic and I just...”
He stuttered between one sentence and the next, barely stringing more than a few words together at a time. Even when I tried to interject, he kept babbling until I had no choice but toplace a finger over his lips to silence him. “It’s fine. You don’t have to explain. Just answer me this one thing. Are you okay?”
Jordy bit his lip, and his breath ghosted over the pad of my finger.
“Yeah. I’m... I’m okay.” He pulled away from me, looking incredibly small with his arms wrapped around himself. “It’s late, and I’m tired. I’m gonna go to bed now.”
The smile that he gave me couldn’t have looked more fake if it was a literal mask.
“We’ve got a lot to do tomorrow, after all. I’m not done with the sketch artist, right?”
He started making his way out of the pool and I followed him. The young man may claim to be fine, but I could still see him trembling a bit, and it was obviously not just from the cold water.
“I’m calling off the sketch artist tomorrow. You’ve already given us more than enough to work with. Once we’ve identified the pictures that we have, then we can bring the sketch artist back in for another round, but for now, feel free to sleep in as long as you want tomorrow. You’ve already more than done your part.”
We reached the edge of the pool where the water was only a few inches deep. It seemed that some of Jordy’s shivering might also be from the cold. The moment the air hit his wet skin, he broke out in goosebumps from head to toe and wrapped his arms tighter around himself.
Looking around, I didn’t see any other clothes or even a towel waiting by the side of the pool for him. He must have come out in only his boxers. The cottages weren’t far away, but I didn’t like the idea of him being cold even for the few steps it would take him to get inside. So, grabbing my own jacket from the pile of clothes I’d left on the lawn chair, I draped it over his shoulders.
There was no hiding the fact that Jordy was smaller than me, but I hadn’t realized how great our size difference was until I saw my jacket hanging off of him. The bottom hem reached his knees, and the shoulders were so wide he had to grip the lapel with his hands to keep it from sliding off. He stared down at the jacket in shock, rubbing the fabric between his fingers for a moment, before looking up at me with a smile.
This time, the expression was real.
He didn’t say anything, just gave me a small nod before hurrying off toward his cottage. I watched him go, waiting until he was safely behind a closed door before gathering up my remaining clothing and returning to my own lodgings.
Each cottage came equipped with its own luxury bathroom. I took my time showering, cleaning off the chlorine from the pool and letting the warm water soak into my chilled skin. I turned my face into the shower, letting the water rain down on me, and I focused on meditative breathing.
It was so easy to fall back into a familiar routine. All of my usual products sat on the shower’s shelf, ready for use. After that, I spent some time shaving in front of the bathroom mirror. Directly after a shower, when my skin and hair were soft from the hot water, was always the best time to shave and produced the best results.
These self-care routines were familiar and brought with them a sense of peace. My heart rate and breathing both remained calm, and my hands never so much as shook.
Yet, it still wasn’t enough.
After finishing in the bathroom, I dressed in my most comfortable pair of baggy sweatpants and stepped back into the room that I’d claimed as an office. There, on the desk right where I’d left them, were the pictures of Jordy’s abusers. Twenty-four faces stared up at me, and there were a lot more waiting to be sketched.
My face contorted into a snarl and my vision turned red. Acidic furry burned the back of my tongue as I snatched those pictures and started ripping them into pieces. Rip after rip, the paper crumbled under my hands. I shouted and yelled, cursing names that I didn’t even know yet, until not a single picture remained unscathed. The shredded paper fell from my fingers until the remains of those hateful images covered my floor like snow.
I stood there among the destruction, panting like I’d just finished an intense cardio session on the treadmill. The pictures were only copies and could be replaced at any time. Destroying them accomplished nothing, and the satisfaction it brought me was fleeting and hollow.
