Kait’s expression remained open and kind, gently urging me to form my own conclusion from her question about my ex-girlfriend.
I opened and shut my mouth to argue with her. Sure, I’d confessed to her that I’d possibly felt some attraction to guys in during grade twelve. But I hadn’t ever dared to try to figure that hidden part of myself out and Kait would never force that kind of conversation. Four years later, those hints of interest toward a classmate were just hazy memories that barely felt real.
Everything with Ash was like holding a live wire in my bare hands.
There was no way in hell this was anything like what I went through with my ex. It’s true that I couldn’t remember ever being as consumed with confusion or worried over a situation as I was now. But it wasn’t like I was in any kind of relationship with him.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I mean, we’re not dating. He’s my coach for fuck’s sake! I would never. I haven’t ever. . .I don’t. . .” I stuttered and then stopped.
“Is it because he’s a guy?” Her volume had dropped by half, her slight frame tense.
“God, no!” For once in my life, I hoped that the horror of what I was feeling inside actually showed on my face.
The area we’d grown up in was pretty conservative, and Kait had gone through a lot to understand her sexuality while we were teens. Things were changing, but I knew the main driving force behind Kait and her partner wanting to move to the city was to find a better sense of community and acceptance.
Did she not know that I’d been one hundred percent in her corner since the day we’d met? Kait knew me better than that, didn’t she?
“You don’t think. . .” I trailed off. “You can’t possibly think I’d have a problem with having feelings for a guy after all these years? After what I told you in grade twelve?”
“I know you’re super supportive of Macie and me. We’re family.” Her smile was fond as her shoulders visibly relaxed. "But we’ve never talked about how you feel about your own sexuality. It was a long time ago. Every year since we graduated has felt like a decade. A lot can change in a short time. You dated Andrea for two years, and never mentioned anything about guys, even in passing. I thought maybe you’d discovered you weren’t attracted to men after all?”
“The way you feel about Macie is something I’ve never felt for anyone.” I struggled to keep the anxiety crawling up my spine out of my tone. “I’m not sure I can feel that way about someone. And if I could, I would welcome it so I could stop feeling like I’m on the outside of things that everyone else seems to understand and want.”
How could I feel anything when my chest was in a vise grip of expectations obligations every fucking day. When would I have had the time to explore any romantic feelings for anyone? Most of the year, I spent half my time away from whatever city I lived in.
The cherry on top of my lackluster love life was being so introverted that it was painful to even make small talk with my roommates. If my skin prickled being in the kitchen with Hawkins or Kovac, how could I manage the crowds of strangers in bars or clubs?
“Okay, let’s drop the relationship talk for now. I don’t want to overstep or push you to talk about things that aren’t even on your radar. But just hear me out. . . What if you just took away the panic and the sting of believing you embarrassed yourself in front of your hero? I’m not downplaying how it feels to you,but, maybe, for Asher, it’s not even on his radar anymore?” Kait spoke quietly, as if she wanted to soften the blow.
The thud of my shoulder blades hitting the hard plastic of the chair belied my inner reaction to her suggestion.
There hadn’t been a moment since I’d bolted out of Ash’s office like my ass was on fire, where I considered that he wasn’t still thinking about that time spent on his couch.
Here I’d been, ducking conversations, inside and outside of training, disappearing as soon as we were dismissed. Basically, not putting one unnecessary ounce of effort into my game.
Shit. Maybe Ash wasn’t thinking about me at all.
Kait’s suggestion should have made me feel relieved.
So, why did the idea make my stomach sink even further?
“And Caden,” she continued, before I could even begin to formulate an answer to that question. “How does it feel in here. . .” She tapped the left side of her chest. “If you say to yourself that you might be attracted to Asher?”
Right, my heart thumped harder at the suggestion.
It felt right to slide into the heady idea of being in Ash’s company for as long as I wanted and with no hockey talk.
thirteen
ASHER
After another unsatisfying team practice, I sat brooding on my couch, staring at the cloudy afternoon outside my windows.
I couldn’t get Caden Kelly out of my head.
My inconvenient attraction had been something I’d been fighting for weeks. I’d almost managed to convince myself that it would fade if I ignored it long enough.
Just because he was the most gorgeous man I’d ever laid eyes on didn’t mean I couldn’t control myself.
