Pained, he interjected. ‘It wasn’t that. At least not in the way you mean. I wanted to, but my head wasn’t right. There hasn’t been anyone since Rose.’
Kirsten winced. ‘It’s understandable you might feel nervous or confused, after so long. Also, it feels strange being with somebody else, after a long-term relationship.’
‘Yes, there’s a big part of me which feels disloyal to Rose. But that’s not the only thing.’
‘What then?’
Flushing, he held on to his squirming puppy. ‘I can’t believe I’m telling you this…’
She tutted. ‘We’re friends. Just say it. Nothing too graphic though please, I want to be able to look you in the eye afterwards.’
‘Ha. Well, it’s just that Rose and I met when we were young, so she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. I’m not sure about sharing that with anybody else. I don’t know Clover well enough, even though we gel over so many different things and enjoy each other’s company.’
‘I see.’ Kirsten neatened her ponytail as she considered this. ‘Well, I’m not the authority on this but it sounds like it’s too soon and you need to get to know each other better. There’s a lot of emotion tied up with the physical side of a relationship. Perhaps what you need is more emotional intimacy with Clover. To open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable.’
‘Hmmm. Perhaps.’ His eyes flitted over the mantel clock above the fireplace, wishing it would gong now to help him escape this excruciating conversation.
‘Have you told her any of this?’ Kirsten asked, moving into his field of vision to peer into his eyes. ‘About Rose being the only one? Before you, um…’
‘No. I sat up, and she asked what was wrong and was I sure whether this was what I wanted. She started looking a little upset, and then you knocked on the door and I had to leave her in my room?—’
‘Brooding over the rejection and waiting for you to come back? Oh, Albie.’ She winced. ‘Don’t you remember anything about women? Why didn’t you send me away?’
He groaned. ‘Because I panicked. Oh, perhaps I’m too old for all this romance nonsense?—’
‘No. Nope.’ Kirsten took the puppy from his arms, placing him back inside the box and settling him in the fluffy blanket. ‘Clover is amazing, and anything of any value is worth humblingyourself for. Have a shower, clean yourself up and call her. Who knows, you might even laugh about this one day.’
That evening, he settled the puppy in his little round bed, sitting on the floor to pet him. With the state of his knees, he probably wouldn’t be able to get back up, but he’d worry about that later. ‘I think we should pick aBridgertoninspired name,’ he mused, ‘how about Colin? You’ve got a cheerful, good-natured look about you.’ The miniature dachshund dipped his head. ‘You like that? Okay, Colin it is.’
Stroking the centre of the puppy’s forehead, he recalled the shared laughter with Kirsten earlier. How good and joyful it was. Before coming to Beaubrook Manor, he’d only been concerned with keeping the promise to Rose to restore her family home, and then joining her wherever she now resided. But he’d made friends over the past few months, had people he cared about who cared about him, and now a puppy and a budding relationship with Clover – whom he shared a love ofBridgerton, history, long walks and classic films with – if he hadn’t completely messed it up. He’d know soon enough, when she deigned to return his calls.
Either way, his life was rich and full, and if they could find contractors willing to finish the cottages, he was convinced they could succeed against the developers when they eventually turned up.
The quandary was, in keeping the promise to Rose, his broken heart might heal from the loss and loneliness, so it could be a long time before he and his late wife were reunited.Staring down at the newest member of his family, he was guiltily, horribly, no longer sure what he wanted.
He jumped as the warm rosewood mantel clock with its little pitched roof, stunning painted dial depicting blue nesting birdsand marked with Arabic numerals, started gonging. Checking the time, he saw it was nowhere near the hour or half-hour, but felt the manor was trying to reassure him. ‘Oh, now you decide to chime in.’
CHAPTER 30
Tori
Use Kind Words, to Yourself & Others
Dear Notebook,
Been thinking a lot about conversation with Kirsten and surviving what happened, plus Ethan’s view of world and approach to decision-making, and how he supports his troubled parents. Mostly, about his question.What if it turned out right?
Reflected on past few months, and achievements. When first arrived, either hid away or was surly/anxious around people. Now:
• Weekly online virtual chats with friends and family
• Long walks with men I trust
• Supermarket shopping alone (had mild panic attack last week but used square breathing, and new mantrait will pass– it did)
• Creating a home with pillows, throws and one of Ariel’s paintings (generously gifted, as I’m pretty broke)
• Bake for therapy
