Her spine stiffens. ‘How do you know, unless you try?’
He doesn’t have the words to explain why he can’t offer her the dream she’s craving. It’s both too simple, and too complicated.
At his silence, she swallows. ‘It’s always been obvious you think I’m not good enough for you. Well, don’t worry, I’ll leave you alone from now on.’
Her parting words stab at his chest as she walks away. It’shimwho’s not good enough for her, or her daughter. In his old life, he made assistant producers cry while filming commercials, was dismissively rude to hospitality staff, treated ball boys and girls like crap (disappointment dimming their eyes upon realising one of their sporting heroes was an obnoxious bastard) and got a reputation for being difficult. However, he could also be charming, so with his handsome face and incredible talent, people flocked to him. Meaning industry insiders built up a wall of silence, and on the rare occasion a story slipped out about the more unpleasant aspects of his personality, the articles held an amused, indulgent air ofboys will be boys. Until that last round of articles, about Mia… God, why hadn’t he realised how fragile she was?
He’d been a prize prick, and doesn’t think he’s that man anymore, but what if he can never step out of the shadow ofhis reputation? What if he’s incapable of loving another person wholeheartedly and putting their needs above his own?
Then he recalls the way he smiled at Vanessa to comfort her, because every day he refers to rules rooted in kindness and happiness. To cast a shadow, you first need to be standing in light.Yes,the voice urges,you’re almost there.
As he leaves the walled garden to go sing Happy Birthday to Rosie, he wonders who the hell painted the gate and washed down the brickwork.
CHAPTER 20
Gilly
Know When to Remain Silent
‘This is crap,’ Ariel wailed. ‘It’s wall-to-wall kids. Is the universe purposefully torturing us?’
‘Shhh.’ Gilly steered her away from the families enjoying the mid-afternoon sunshine. ‘You knew it was a children’s party, what did you expect? And you can’t go around saying things like that.’
‘If they knew what we’d been through, they’d understand.’
‘Hmmm.’ She wasn’t totally convinced, but could see why Ariel was finding it agonising. As well as numerous children, there were two pregnant women in the crowd, one about five months along with a neat little bump stretching out a clingy dress, and the other looking ready to drop, vest top showing her popped-out belly button through the fabric.She was rubbing her bump with a faraway expression, as if listening to something no one else could hear.
‘I can’t stand it,’ Ariel whispered, face bleached white. ‘It’s too much. The little ones are so cute, and their parents take it allfor granted. Why’s it so easy for everyone else? It’s not fair.’ A tear trickled down her cheek, voice rising. ‘I can’t stop thinking about the IVF, especially today. Please, can’t we just?—’
‘I know it’s tough. But you don’t know what other people have been through to have children.’ She curved an arm around Ariel’s shoulders. ‘Besides, we have lots to be grateful for.’
‘Don’t!’ Ariel shrugged her off. ‘If you’d just agree to another?—’
‘Oh, come on. I can’t believe we’re arguing about this again.’ Stung, Gilly set off toward the bottom slope of the lawn, too angry to rein in her temper, aware their voices were carrying. The last thing she needed was a scene ruining Rosie’s birthday and embarrassing her as headteacher. Half of Year One and their families were in attendance.
Stomping along the sun-speckled path running along the river, she swatted the branches of overhanging trees away from her face and stepped into a clearing beside the babbling water. Couldn’t Ariel understand what she was risking by carrying on like this?
‘Hey. If I’m not allowed to go off in a huff, you’re not either.’ Ariel strode down the path, multi-coloured maxi-dress swirling around her legs as she arrived at Gilly’s side.
‘It wasn’t a huff. I couldn’t trust myself not to lose my temper. I told you I don’t want to do another cycle yet.’ In a dim recess of her mind, she was on the verge of giving up completely. Saying,no more, I’m done. It made her heart to break a little. ‘We agreed not to talk about it for a month. Don’t push me on this.’ Her voice strangled on a sob. ‘I can’t take it.’ This could be the end of them, and she wasn’t willing to let their relationship go.
‘Are you crying?’ Ariel’s mouth dropped open. ‘You never cry. Not even when your favourite aunt died.’
‘I’m exhausted.’ She scrubbed her cheeks, realising she’d been lulled into a false sense of security because Ariel hadn’tmentioned IVF in recent weeks. Appearing happier and brighter, she’d been returning from working on the cottage gates with colour in her cheeks and sparkling eyes. Gilly joined her a couple of evenings a week, mostly sanding down the other cottage gates. She’d hoped the manual labour was distracting Ariel from the baby obsession. Instead, it’d still been festering away like an unhealed wound.
Sometimes, you had to re-open the cut to clean out the infection.
‘I’m also sad, angry, and feel helpless,’ she admitted. ‘You keep laying on guilt and blaming me. Mostly, I’m frustrated you can’t respect the headspace I need. This is hurting me, hurting us. I have a high-pressured job, and we’ve moved somewhere new. I want time for us to make a home together and enjoy it. Also to come to terms with our previous failed cycles before plunging ourselves into more heartache.’
‘Okay. I’m sorry.’ Ariel ground her teeth, ‘God, why is the one thing in the world we want, so bloody difficult?’
‘What? I’ve just asked you to stop, and in the same breath as apologising you’re making comments about having a babyagain.’ Recalling that morning’s rule for living, she hissed, ‘For fuck’s sakes,know when to be silent.’
Ariel stumbled back, tears welling in her eyes.
Gilly had never spoken to her like that before, and she swallowed, horrified. ‘I’m sorry, I-I can’t be around you right now.’
‘Gee—’
