He pauses and I swallow because he’s terrifying me. I thought he’d just been sitting here all night ignoring me, but he’d been thinking. If he got too close to the truth of things, I didn’t know what I’d do.
“If a spanking is what you’re needing, from now on, you’re going to need to come out and say it bluntly. I’m not humoring this mindset you seem to have that angering me will cause me to punish you. You’re right that there’s a difference between enjoying rough sex and being a submissive. If you’re not one, that’s fine, but don’t stand there and tell me these barbs you’re throwing out are just your typical brattiness.”
Maddox doesn’t ask me if I understand or anything else a Dom would typically say after delivering a talking-to like the one I just got. I nod anyway.
Instead of the victory and the sore ass I wanted from pissing him off, I’ve only disappointed him. There’s a deep pit in mystomach that makes me feel like a little kid again. He sighs and stands, leaning over the bar to kiss my forehead.
“I’ll be outside.”
We haven’t talked about me spending the weekend with him again, but he doesn’t wait for me to correct him, flipping off the open sign for me as he leaves.
TWENTY-NINE
MADDOX
If Austin were a puppy,her tail would be between her legs as she walks out to my pickup a few seconds after the lights go out in the bar. She’s pulled sweatpants and a jacket over her clothes, so I get out and lean back against the grill instead of insisting we talk in the cab of the truck.
I want to open my arms for her, let her know she can always find her refuge there when the world gets too heavy, but I’m the one who made it heavy this time.
It scares me to think about Austin trying to piss me off, hoping to be punished for it, connecting those two things like that. There’s a difference, like I told her, between bratting and what she was doing. Bratting is innocent shit. Flirting with Pat was bratting. Calling me old was bratting.
The past few days, she’s been a bit more bratty than usual and I’ve just been biding my time, hoping she’d come right out and ask for what she wanted. I realized today she may not know that’s an option, but when I told her and she turned mean, my mind wandered.
Pieces of the puzzle were clicking together. I remembered our first conversation on the phone. How quick she’d been to talk shit about men and how I’d hung up with this certainty thatAustin had been hurt before. I’d figured then that it was a heartbreak or something emotional, but now I’m worried a man had hurt her physically. There’s not a single part of me that isn’t murderous at the thought.
She seemed to connect anger to pain, acting out to getting hit. Consensual spankings were different from physical abuse and she knew that, but I think her mind might connect the two anyway—in a cause-and-effect sort of way.
“Do you want to come back to mine tonight?” I ask her when she’s close enough.
She pulls her jacket tighter around her and I curl my fingers into fists so I don’t reach out for her. I second-guess every single thing I do, terrified there’s gonna be a day she leaves and I never see her again. That she doesn’t even say goodbye.
“Not if you’re still mad at me.” She’s not even looking at me. I barely even hear her over the quiet hum of my engine.
I sigh and give up on holding myself back, tugging her against my chest before she can fight it. “I’m not mad at you, Tex. I just wish you’d realize that these walls you keep throwing up between us are pointless. Whatever this is, whether you’re here for a long time or just a good time, pushing me away makes it harder on both of us.”
Austin doesn’t say anything so I lead her over to her pickup. When she gets behind the wheel, I close the door behind her and climb into mine, following her out of the lot. My grasp on the wheel is tight, and I don’t even bother with turning the radio up, too focused on praying she turns towards the ranch instead of us going our separate ways.
She does, stopping her truck in front of the closed gate. I pull in behind her and jump out to open it for the both of us, appreciating that she’s learned me well enough to know to stay put.
We pull up in front of my cabin and I swear under my breath when I see the lights still on at Mama’s. I hope Austin doesn’t notice the silhouette spying through the kitchen window as we drive past. I’m surprised Mama hasn’t already gotten on my caseabout Austin staying here the past couple of weekends, but gift horse and all that.
Inside, Austin undresses like she’s some terrified bride on her wedding night, so I don’t make a show of appreciating her body, even though I do. I pull my jeans and tee shirt off, tossing them on the chair in the corner and heading to the bathroom.
Austin follows shortly after, wrapping her arms around me from behind while I’m brushing my teeth. The coldness of her piercings against my back makes me shiver. She presses a kiss to my shoulder blade as an apology and I watch in the mirror as her hand creeps down my abs to play with the waistband of my boxer briefs. I grab it, threading our fingers together on my stomach while I keep brushing with the other hand. She pokes her head around my arm to catch my gaze in the mirror.
When I spit and rinse off my toothbrush, I turn and pull her around to give her another hug. She’s completely naked. “You want a shirt to sleep in, or would you prefer to sleep like that?”
Her brows furrow. I know she expects sex. I’m sure, in her mind, it’ll put us back on equal footing. But as gorgeous as she is right now, the last thing I want to do is fuck her.
“I want a spanking,” she admits quietly and pride surges through me at her bravery, despite the insecurity in her eyes. I hold her face in my hands, running my thumbs over her cheekbones. It’s intimate, but I have a feeling she’s going to want to leave in a minute.
“Good girl,” I say gently, not sure if it’s welcome. She’d said I was trying to force her into a submissive role, one she didn’t feel she fit in. I didn’t think I was, but it wasn’t really up to me to disagree with how she feels. “But not tonight.”
She stiffens and then pulls out of my arms, shoving at my chest. The betrayal in her eyes makes my chest ache. I know she’s thinking I’ve tricked her into being vulnerable, into asking for help just so I could turn her down, but that isn’t it at all.
I grab her chin to make her listen to me. “I didn’t say no. I said not tonight. If you still want a spanking in the morning, I’llgive it to you. Tonight, we’re both in a shitty headspace, and I refuse to punish you when I can’t be completely present.”
“It’s not a punishment. It’s a funishment,” she argues, huffing as she crosses her arms over her chest, hiding her nakedness from me.
