A beautiful blend of pain, chaos, and the briefest glimpse of beauty, if you look hard enough, is etched permanently on my skin. To those who don’t know the real me, it’s just tattoos and adds an edge of danger that women seem to love when they get a look at them.
The few that do know see them for what they are. My open scars that will never heal and the demons that will forever be waiting in the shadows, hoping one day, I’ll let them get the best of me.
I absently rub my hand over my heart and take in a jagged breath to force some air into my tight lungs. It’s the one place I dedicated on my body to remind myself that there is still beauty in this world. My black t-shirt stretches over the dark ink underneath, and just knowing it’s there brings me the comfort I need to ease the pressure forming in my chest.
I finally head out of town and continue along the coastal road. Houses replace businesses the further I drive away from the busy part of Blue Haven. Growing up here, I was always in awe of these homes.
I couldn’t imagine waking up every morning and being able to see the ocean from my bedroom window. It was something unimaginable to my young self that people actually lived like this.
It was the same when I would visit Miles’s house. Back then, he lived further inland in one of the small beach neighborhoods that are spread throughout the town. His home always seemed so huge compared to the shitty trailer I lived in with my dad.
Even though the Montgomerys treated me like one of their own, I never felt like I belonged in their world. I was terrified I would somehow taint this perfect family that I had come to love. I was the kid in the trailer park that nobody wanted…who would fake just how bad life was at home because I didn’t feel I deserved anything better. Nobody back then knew the monster I was living with, but I stayed.
I stayed because I promised her I would, and even then, I would have stayed because of the guilt that ate me alive with every breath I took.
I couldn’t save my mom, but I could at least do this one thing since she sacrificed her life for me.
Slowing down, I approach the blue beach house at the end. The sun set over an hour ago, but you can still see the faint hues of pink lingering in the sky before darkness finally takes over. Even though there isn’t enough light to see the water, I can feel its presence.
The ocean has always fascinated me. It can go from being the most beautiful, majestic beauty to the most dangerous destruction you’ve ever seen in a matter of seconds. Calming you with its presence on days the sun is shining bright or fueling any turmoil within on days the sky turns dark.
The vast blue water has always been the one place I seek when I feel like I’m drowning. It’s a reminder to me that even the most beautiful things on Earth have a darkness to them, but it still doesn’t stop people from seeing the beauty that also lies inside. Sometimes, you just have to search harder because it’s buried so deep that you forget it’s even there until someone briefly shines a light on it.
Turning the wheel, I ease into the driveway and shut off the engine. I don’t see any main lights on, so I can’t tell if Savi is home or not.
Taking a deep breath, I grab my duffel bag from the front seat next to me and pull my six-foot-four frame from the car. My grey sweats hang low on my hips as I hoist the heavy bag over my shoulder.
I came straight from a late-night gym workout and had packed up all my belongings earlier when I checked out of the hotel. The rest of my things from my New York apartment are scheduled to be delivered tomorrow.
Deciding to keep the peace a little bit longer, I walk to the side gate instead of choosing the front door. It will give me some time to unpack and think about the best way to approach this.
I take the stone path on the side of the house and stop when I see the bamboo structure. Peering inside, I notice it’s an outdoor shower. The side of the house has been covered with smooth stone, and with the giant showerhead hanging directly down in the center, it gives you the illusion of being under a waterfall.
The brothers must have installed this after they moved in because it wasn’t here when I first toured it with them. I spot the pink containers on a small wooden table and notice the water droplets still clinging to them.
Savi must have been in here a few minutes ago.
Hesitating briefly, I step inside and lift the bottle to my nose. Vanilla and coconut fill my senses, and I squeeze my eyes shut at the onslaught of emotions. Dark, silky hair and Pacific blue eyes flood my head with images. My body reacts with a ferocious need as her scent surrounds me.
I’ve always had this protectiveness toward Savi since the day I met her when she came bounding into the garage one day, when Miles was showing me his drum set. I was thirteen at the time, and life had already jaded me. I remember wonderinghow such a small person could hold so much light inside them. I could feel her infectious energy just pouring off of her, and I wanted to soak it up as much as I could in case I never got the chance to feel it again.
Her black hair was bouncing high in a ponytail, and her eyes shone so bright I was afraid to make contact for fear I would dim them somehow. She was carrying a scruffy cat in her arms that looked like it hadn’t had a meal in days.
Miles immediately started laughing and shaking his head when he saw the fur ball, but her persistence and determination eventually made him cave as he agreed to help her hide the cat from their parents until she could find it a home.
When she threw her arms around her brother, a pang of jealousy and longing hit me straight in the gut. I couldn’t remember the last time someone hugged me or made me feel anything other than the piece of shit I was constantly told I was.
Her beaming smile finally pulled away from Miles and landed on me. I don’t even think she realized I was there until that moment as I watched the surprise flash briefly in her eyes.
When her brother introduced me, her smile got wider, causing something to shift in my heart. Her joy and innocence seeped through my barrier, and I vowed then and there that I would do whatever it took to keep her safe. I knew firsthand how cruel the world could be, and as long as I was around, I would make damn sure nothing was going to dim her light.
Except I failed.
The one night she needed me.
I failed.
Setting the bottle back, I remind myself of all the reasons why it’s better this way. I would rather her hate me and be free to find the life and happiness that she deserves than to be chained to someone who will only bring her pain in the end.
