Surrounding me in a group hug, they walk me toward the sofa. Lyla and Eve take a seat next to me as Sophia and Olivia don’t hesitate to sit on the floor at my feet. I’m cocooned in their love, and it gives me the strength I need to start speaking.
“What you guys don’t know is that Knox is my light too,” I sniff. “He pulled me from my own darkness, which is why he refuses to bring any more into mine. I…” Struggling to get it out, I hesitate as I try to form the words.
“It’s okay, take your time,” Lyla’s soothing voice calms me as I take a deep breath.
“I know your husbands have mentioned to you about what happened that night when I was fifteen, and how Knox threw the guy off of me at that party,” I say quietly, and they all nod their heads. “That wasn’t the whole truth. I…” Swallowing through the hurt and pain that’s resurfacing, I find the courage to speak the words I should have said a long time ago. “I was raped,” I whisper. “Knox got there just a few minutes after and stopped it.”
“Savi,” Eve says painfully.
“You held this pain to yourself all these years?” Lyla softly cries, bringing me to her chest as she holds me.
Words of reassurance and love pour out and envelop me as we cry together for the younger version of me who’s been fighting the monster since.
When the tears finally die down, Eve brushes back my hair gently. Her blue eyes rimmed with sadness. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have been there for you. I was with you almost every day back then and had no clue. I should have seen the signs that you were in pain…”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “You don’t get to feel guilty in any way. Please don’t. I had planned on telling my parents because I knew I had to go to the police with what he did. But when he died, I just wanted to forget it ever happened. I didn’t want Knox to be dragged into my mess any more than he already was. He didn’t just pull the guy off of me,” I swallow. “He was close to killing him when I finally got him to stop beating the shit out of him. The report said he was above the legal limit of alcohol, but to me, he didn’t seem too wasted to drive. We both think his impairment had to do with the beating. I couldn’t take the chance that it would hurt his career.”
“Good,” Sophia says fiercely. “I’m glad he beat the shit out of him, and karma took care of the rest.”
“I think we all agree he got what he deserved,” Olivia says forcibly without the slightest hint of remorse for him.
“Please don’t feel guilty,” I say, turning back to Eve and grasping her hand. “Knox begged me to tell someone, but I made him promise to keep it a secret. I talked to some therapists, so I wasn’t completely alone. I knew if I told my parents and brothers, all that would do is bring them pain and guilt. I didn’t want any of you to have to bear that weight with me.”
“We would have gladly shared it with you,” Lyla’s caramel eyes are full of love, as the rest of them agree.
“I know,” I sigh. “Seeing Knox struggle with his own demons and not being able to help has made me see things in a different light. I want so badly to be let in, so I can hold some of that pain for him.”
“That’s what you do for someone you love,” Sophia says, her voice filled with sorrow.
“My relationship with Knox is so complicated. I don’t know up from down or right from wrong, but I do know what I feel when I’m in his arms. God, I love that man. I have for a very long time. He may shatter me into a million pieces at the end of all this, but I’ll never stop loving him.”
“I had a feeling this push and pull you guys have always done was just burying what you both were too afraid to feel,” Eve says, smiling.
“I was good at stuffing it down through the years,” I admit softly. “For a while, it was just too painful to look at him after the incident. He saw me at my worst, and even though I know I shouldn’t have, I felt shame every time he looked at me. It wasn’t fair, but I took my anger out on him with all the petty arguments we would have because he’s the only one who understood the pain I was hiding. I knew that no matter how much we pushed each other away, we were bound by that night. He was my outlet, but he’s also my safe space, and still is.”
Taking a deep breath, I run my hand through my hair and wipe the rest of the tears away. I don’t know why, but something tells me this is the last time Todd will get any more of my tears. Sharing this with them was something I didn’t know I needed to do. Even though I know Knox would have held this secret until the day I died, it feels good to let the girls in. I didn’t realize until now how much that weighed on me to keep it from them.
“That’s why I asked Knox for a night,” I say, deciding to lay it all out. “Since that night, I’ve never felt safe giving that part of myself to someone. I always completely panic when it comesdown to the actual sex part. Knox is the only one I’ve ever felt safe with, and I knew he could replace the painful memories for me.”
“But Tristan…” Eve says, looking confused.
“Was a horny high school jock,” I chuckle. “It didn’t take much to play the ‘I’m not ready’card, and eventually I started distracting him by pleasing him in other ways. Back then, I thought I was in love, and it would just take time for his touch to feel right. And he did make me feel safe, but in a different way. When I look back now, I realize that I stayed with him because I used him as a shield. As long as I had my boyfriend at a party with me or at school events, no other guys would mess with me. Tristan was captain of the football team, big and strong…everyone loved him and wouldn’t dare touch his girl. He made me feel safer in crowds,” I admit, seeing the truth for what it is now.
“I’m glad you told us, Savi,” Sophia says softly as she soothingly rubs my arm.
“This sisterhood is a safe space. We will always be here for you…for each other,” Lyla smiles at each of us in the circle as we nod in agreement.
I feel so much relief now that I don’t have to hide anything from them anymore. I somehow feel even closer to them, mending a piece of me I didn’t realize until now how much it needed to be healed.
By the time the girls leave, I’m feeling a nice buzz from the wine and more relaxed than I’ve felt in years. We ended up spending the rest of the evening on a more lighter note, talking about anything and everything.
As always, there was a lot of laughter and more tears were shed, but this time it was because something was said that was so damn funny we couldn’t stop the laughing fits that got hold of us.
Checking my watch, I see I have thirty minutes until Knox is supposed to call. Giddiness rises in my body, and I can’t help the excitement I feel just to hear his voice again. Even though I saw him this morning, it’s crazy how much I already miss him.
Putting my hair in a messy bun, I decide to take a quick shower before wrapping myself in a plush, white towel. Even though my makeup is subtle, I decide to leave it on for our call.
Feeling a little wild, I add a little more smoky eye and top it off with my favorite red lipstick. I could tell he liked it when I wore it at the bar, remembering how he wouldn’t stop glancing down at my lips.
