I opt for the second as I reverse our positions and back her up against the counter. Her eyes widen, and I take pleasure in seeing her squirm uncomfortably.
That’s right, sunshine. You’re too pure to play with the devil and need to run.
“You want to know why I push you away?” I step closer until our bodies are flush, and she can feel just how hard I am. She gasps at the contact, but slowly nods her head anyway.
“Because I will ruin you,” I say darkly as my demons fight for control. “I refuse to use your body for pleasure even though every part of me wants to take it.” Digging my fingers into her waist, I try to hold on to something so I don’t get pulled under and do something I will regret.
“I’m already ruined, Knox,” she whispers. “I just need someone I feel safe with to show me I’m not damaged too.”
Pain lances through my chest as I wince at her words. “You’re not ruined, Savi.” I squeeze my eyes tightly and pray that I’m wrong before I speak my next words. “Please tell me you’ve been with a guy since. That you’ve been happy…that you are happy.” I force the words out as I’m slammed with anger and guilt all over again, with what happened to her that night.
“I am happy for the most part. I love my job. I have an amazing family and friends. It’s just the dating part that I havea hard time with. I try,” she says quietly, “but then I remember, and panic sets in.”
“But, Tristan? You were with him for two fucking years.” I know because I hated him every single day during that relationship.
“I did other things with him…just not sex. I couldn’t even blame him when he broke up with me after graduation. Who wants to be with a girl who flinches every time he gets on top of me?”
“Fuck, Savi.” I step away and try to rein in my emotions. She always looked so happy with him when I would watch from a distance. Theonlyreason I didn’t interfere was because I thought she was happy.
“Let’s get one thing very clear. Any guy would be lucky just to be next to you. If Tristan didn’t make you feel safe, then that’s on him, and he should have done everything in his power to make sure that you did feel that way.”
“I’ve only felt safe with you,” she admits softly, and it’s like a knife to my gut. “When we touch, I’m not scared. I want…I want more.” Her blue eyes plead with me, and I feel like the biggest prick on earth because I know what I have to do.
“I can’t be that person for you, Savi. I’m not the good guy here,” I say, shaking my head sadly and desperately wishing in this moment that things were different and I could be that guy for her. “You need someone to pull you out of the dark, not keep you in it.”
“I don’t understand,” she says, stepping toward me, but I back away.
“I’m all kinds of fucked up, sunshine. I won’t touch the one thing in my life that has been good.”
“We’re all fucked up in some way or another. I know you, Knox,” she says fiercely. “You are not the bad guy you think youare. You have more good inside you than you know. Besides, I’m not asking for a commitment.”
“Your brothers…” I can’t even finish the thought. They would kill me if I touched their sister, and I would gladly let them, knowing I deserved every bit of it.
“My brothers never have to know. It’s the perfect setup, actually, with you living here. You help me get over my fear, and I will help you. It’s a win-win.”
“And what could you possibly help me with?” There’s no chance in hell that I’m agreeing to this, but I don’t have the heart to burst her bubble just yet.
“Someone has to remove that stick out of your ass. You need to let a little fun into your life. Maybe try smiling more.”
“I smile,” I mutter.
“Scoring a goal doesn’t count.”
“That’s all I need to make me happy,” I shrug.
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“Well, as fun as this has been,” I say, making a move to the door, “I’ve got to hit the ice soon.” This conversation needs to end now before I do something dumb like agree to it. It would never work. I know Savi, and her heart would get involved. I will not risk hurting her.
“You aren’t even going to entertain the idea, are you?”
I stop, and my look must say it all because her walls go back up, and the fire returns. “You are such a stubborn ass, Knox. Fine,” she huffs, crossing her arms over her chest. “You don’t want to help me, I’ll keep trying to find someone who can. Who knows, maybe one of your hockey buddies on your team will be the one to break through my fears.”
Jealousy sneaks its way in when I think of any one of them laying their hands on her. “You are playing a very dangerous game here, Savi.” My voice drips with a threat as I curl my handsinto fists. “My team is off limits. I need them focused on the game and not your pussy sitting in the stands.”
“Are you sure that’s the reason and not because it won’t be yours?”
SIX
