“Tonight we celebrate. I’ll get Jean to cook all your favourites.”
“Jean?”
“Our new cook.”
Oh yeah, I remember him telling me Catherine retired a few months ago. Darius stays close, Dad repeats how happy he is I’m home, I keep Elsa-Marie close and the days slips away quickly. I’m back where my life matches the time passing and while it’s freeing, it’s overwhelming.
“Mama. Mama. Mama,” Elsa chants as she splashes the water, trying to get the bubbles.
“It’s time to wash your hair now, sweetheart.”
I make quick work of soaping her up and rinsing it off, thinking back to the last time I bathed her. She was so small, her hair simply wisps of a light covering. It now falls just past her shoulders and curls at the ends.
She has no fear of the water and throws herself about, making herself laugh even harder when the water hits her in the face.
“Come on, time to get out. Someone needs to get to bed.”
She’s already stayed up past her bedtime but like I told my dad and Darius, one night won’t hurt. They didn’t argue it, butI got the feeling I was disrupting their lives and routines. I swallowed it down and told myself it won’t always be like this. That my mind is trying to play tricks on me.
My girl starts to get cranky while I dry her hair, but she doesn’t fight going to sleep as I sit beside her cot, with the nightlight casting a soft glow from the corner of the room.
“Will you please talk to me?”
His soft voice has my heart pounding, but I get up and brush past him. He follows me into my room, and I inhale deeply, gaining the strength to do what I have to do.
“You’ve not said a word to me since we got here.”
“I haven’t got anything to say today. I just wanted to be with Elsa.”
“I understand that so you can listen to me. I’ll talk.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I nod.
“I… shit. I’ve been thinking about this moment for months and the words still won’t come easy.”
“Maybe you should write it in a letter and mail it to me.”
At least then I’d get some space from him.
He smiles and I look away from it.
“I love you,” he blurts out. “I have done since the day I took you to my house. I want us to be a family, a real family for us, and for Elsa.”
I worked it out he loves me from his letters and standing in front of him, I have no idea what to say to him. It’s what I wanted to hear when I was pregnant, and the night I gave birth. I don’t want to hear it now. I love him too, but it isn’t enough. I felt like I had perfection with him, in the ugly violent world we found each other in, I would’ve done anything for him. Tonight I will let him think he has perfection.
I’ll give him the perfect night before I turn his life inside out. Elsa and I will not be a part of his world.
Slowly, I walk over to him. Placing my hands on his chest, I can feel the strong beat of his heart thumping away. Leaning up, I press my lips to his and it doesn’t take long for him to kiss me back.
“I want to go to bed now.”
“I can make that happen,” he purrs and walks me back to the bed.
“I don’t want you to talk.”
Before he can say another word, I pull him down on top of me and kiss him. I admit I enjoy sex with him and after the last year and so many months, I need to feel him against me.
I concentrate on taking my clothes off and he works just as fast taking his off. I don’t know who makes the first move, but I end up in his arms and his hardon presses against my stomach. Sucking on my fingers, I coat my entrance. He was always a talker but not when he was inside me. Pushing against him until he’s where I want him, I straddle him and slide down onto his hard length. I ride him, keeping my eyes closed and heart shut off to the last time we were together like this.
