If my mother is still alive somewhere out there, I wonder what she'd think of this woman her daughter has become. Someone who poisoned her foster parents, committed grand larceny in Paris, and killed a man in the streets. A woman who burnt her abuser to ashes and buried him in an unmarked grave.
The same woman who drove a car off an unfinished road tonight because she was angry and looking to settle a score.
Maybe she knew this was what I'd become when she dropped me at that fire station. Maybe there were signs even then that I wasn't exactly…a nice girl. Not normal.
It was naive of me to think Atticus could ever care for me the way he cares for Seven and Elijah. It's rare—that sort of brutal, uncompromising devotion. Most people will never have it.
Swallowing thickly, I turn and almost trip over Ellie as she pushes into the bathroom, the note from the coffee table clenched proudly between her teeth.
Reflexively, I bend to take it from her before she gets it so slobbery that all the writing becomes illegible.
"If I read this, will you go to bed?"
She barks.
"Ugh. Fine."
I make a show of opening it, then gesture to the door. "Go on, then."
Ellie leaves for the living room, and I can hear the smugness in her little trot.
The little traitor.
I flip down the toilet seat lid and bite my lip as I sit down and start to read.
This time, it's not pages of history. It's only a couple paragraphs.
Idon't think I've properly thanked you for what you've agreed to do for us. More than that, what you've already done. I haven't seen Elijah look so alive in years, or Seven so relaxed—it's actually weird as fuck. But a good weird.
I thought it was a problem at first. You know, that they wouldn't be able to focus properly because of their feelings for you. I'm sure you'll be shocked to know I was wrong again. Even if this plan doesn't work—I want you to know that I'm grateful to you for being there for them in the ways I can't be. There's been something missing for all of us for a long time. I thought it was losing Flo. Or the Ashfords' collection. Maybenot having Julian around anymore. But now I think it was you that was missing. Seeing you with Julian the other day—you fit. And I promise I won't do anything to ruin what you found with them ever again. Even if I can never be a part of that.
- A man trying to exist
P.S. Destroy this letter.
The words blur as my eyes sting.
Anger is easy. Hate is comfortable.
But this? Him willing to only exist in the margins of my life and try to be better with no guarantee it’ll matter?
This quiet, stubborn devotion that expects nothing in return?
This might actually break me.
21
THAT’S PROGRESS
SEVEN
It's been a long time since anything kept me up at night, but Ro seems to be the exception.
I know she's got this, but it still fucks me up that by midday tomorrow she'll be breathing the same air as the man responsible for the downfall of my family.
I drag my tired ass to the kitchen, planning to grab a snack and wait for at least dawn before I text Ro to check in. But as I near the end of the hall and the kitchen, I hear the scrape of cutlery against a plate. I can't quite see him in the dark, but I can feel Atty's presence as clearly as I can hear him.
"What are you doing up?"
