I can't do any of it.
I want to rage and riot, but without an enemy in reach to tear apart, all I can do…
…isdrown.
65
COMPLICATIONS & CONSEQUENCES
ATTICUS
I'm only half invested in my interrogation of the nurse. The other half of me is already across the pond, watching my brother shatter in slow motion.
Julian asks Eli what our attempts at vengeance cost us, and even from here, I hear the answer break him.
"Fuck," I whisper, my chest crumpling in on itself as I stalk away from her mid-conversation, hustling around the pond's edge with my hands balled in tight fists.
I knew this was coming. He's been on the edge of it since everything fell apart in Spain. Balancing there on the tip of that blade.
There were only two ways to fall, into a parasitic blackout rage…or into this.
I wasn't sure which would be worse, but now I know.
Julian's arms wrap around Eli, holding him fiercely, and I know he's remembered his son.
There should be relief at knowing that, but there's only dread here.
"My son." Julian's voice croaks as he holds Eli together. "It's all right. It'll be all right."
Ellie whimpers, unsure what to do.
"It's okay," I mutter to her, giving her head a scratch as I pass to sit on Elijah's opposite side on the flat stone.
"Deep breaths, E," I coach him, fighting to keep my own voice even and calm, feeling every one of his sobs as if they're my own.
"Come on, breathe with me."
I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix any of this. So I do the only thing I can: I stay. I breathe. I pretend I'm not falling apart right beside him.
My nose stings as I inhale audibly, trying to get him to anchor to the sounds even while I fall apart on the inside. We continue like that for a while, until his breath comes a bit easier, and Julian's arms around him no longer need to squeeze so tightly to hold him together.
"What's happening?" Julian asks, his brows drawn and eyes dark as he rubs Eli's back.
Eli curses, his breath coming in short, sharp gasps as he pulls away from his father's embrace and brings himself out of the spiral. He takes three more purposeful breaths, pushing a closed fist into his chest like he wants to rip out his own heart.
I grip his shoulder until he's out of it.
"I just need a second," he mutters, his throat bobbing as he stands and strides toward the tree line, scrubbing his hands over his face as he tips it up to the moon.
I let him go, staying with Julian.
"Atticus," Jules presses, and I realize he asked a question we haven't answered yet. "Elijah said something went wrong? That you losteverything? What happened?"
My throat feels hoarse, and I have to swallow twice before I trust myself to speak. "It's hard to talk about, Jules, but we think you might know something that could help us fix it." I swallow again. "That's why we're here."
His expression pinches. "Of course. Anything. What do you need?"
I flinch. "The problem is…the information we need—it's trapped in your mind."
