"You have no idea how much I regret it. If I thought it would help, I'd beg. I'm not above it. Hell, I'm already on my knees here. I'm not above anything if it means you'll consider it. Considerme."
"I thought you'd given up," I hiccup, trying to hide the sound.
He sucks in a breath like it hurts. "I was trying to give you space. I thought that's what you wanted. I was trying to do better. After I thought we lost you on that bypass, I realized I didn't need you to feel the same way I do in order to want to protect you. I've always operated better from the shadows, anyway."
He lets out a gruff sound that's almost a laugh but not quite and it makes my eyes sting.
I've been so cruel. So unrelenting in my rage. But Ihavenoticed his effort. From the start, I've noticed it, but I was so hell-bent on ignoring it.
"From the very start I've underestimated you…and I was wrong to. You're so strong. So much more capable than I ever gave you enough credit for. I don't expect your forgiveness,Aurora. And to be honest, I'd rather have your hate than lose you completely."
He sighs.
"There is one thing I can offer you, though. Control."
He leans forward enough for me to make out the curve of his jaw as he speaks. "I’ve spent my entire life trying to control everything around me because I was terrified of what would happen if I didn’t. And then you came along and?—”
He exhales shakily.
“And you made me realize that the tighter I grip, the more I destroy. So, from now on, we do this how you want. It's your call. All of it. You want to call it off—then we call it off. You don't like my plans—I'll make new ones. No questions asked. And then when this is over, if you want me gone, I'll go. I won't ruin this for you. What you found here—with Eli and Sev—I want you to have it, whether or not I can be a part of it."
The last sparks of my masochistic rage burn out, and yet, here I am, still clinging to the desire for him to punish me. For who I am. For what I am. For lying to them.
"It won't undo anything." My voice breaks on the last word.
"Then give it back to me, Trouble. Hit me. Scream at me. Make me hurt how I hurt you. Take what you want. Do your worst."
A sob grows in my chest.
"Go ahead," Atticus whispers. "I can take it."
41
STEAM & SURRRENDER
ATTICUS
Iwait for her to take her retribution, intending to take everything she wants to give me, no matter how far she goes.
My eyes close.
My hands fall to the floor at my sides, palms up, empty, submitting myself to her wrath. To her darkness.
I force my body to relax as she shifts forward.
I wait for the pain I know I deserve, but then her fingers are in my hair, palms hard against my jaw as her lips crash into mine.
My heart pounds hard against my rib cage, thudding in my ears as I fight to catch the breath she stole from my lungs.
And I think…
I think when she drew her hand back, there must've been a gun in it. And the thudding in my ears was the sound of the bullets leaving the chamber and burrowing through my skull.
But if she's killed me, then why is this heaven and not hell?
Aurora's warm body slides against mine, and the taste of her fills my mouth, and I'm dying to touch her.
She gasps into my lips, and I taste the salt of her tears and tremble beneath her.
