“Please. I want to know.” Heneededto know.
She exhaled. “Well, you say God forgives, but you don’t forgive yourself, for what happened to your cop partner, I mean.”
“I, uh...” How had the spotlight shifted so abruptly to him when they’d been talking about her life? “I know it wasn’t completely my fault.”
She wasn’t buying it. “You tell yourself your actions gravely injured your partner and ended her career. You punish yourself by leaving a job you love and moving somewhere away from your friends and family. You are your own judge, and you’ve decided you’re not forgiven. You. Not God.”
The statement landed like an ember thrown onto a bed of parched grass. He felt the fire burning through his flimsy walls, the sweep of flames cleansing away the chaff. She was right, this intense woman bound to him in a surreal moment in time. He had refused to accept the gift God offered, his clutched fists holding on to guilt. The realization shocked him into speechlessness.
She shifted uneasily. “It’s ... probably not the moment, but after Dad died, I spent a lot of hours thinking aboutthis. Long road trips with no one to talk to will make a person introspective. That’s what I had to learn, with my mother. Whether she forgave my dad or not, that’s on her soul. If a person can’t accept forgiveness themselves, or refuses to give it to someone else, it puts them in the place of God, doesn’t it?”
Puts them in the placeof God.
Her face was gentler than he’d ever seen, and her tone was sweet, almost loving.
He wasn’t ready to put it all together, but he knew in the quiet of his heart he had some reckoning to do. “You’ve ... given me a lot to think about.”
“I apologize if I offended or hurt your feelings.” She cleaned her hands with a napkin. “Are you sorry yet that you jumped in to help this trucker with her wrecked rig?”
“Not for one single second.”
The connection shimmered between them. Not for an instant would he choose to be with anyone else, anywhere else. He wanted to say more, to reach out and bring her to him, kiss her even, but she drew back, packing the trash away, agitation showing in her movements. He leaned against the door, wondering at his feelings.Trauma bonding,Cullen. Remember that.
She avoided looking at him. “So, um, Tot’s finished her graham cracker and she’s snoozing again. Better see what’s in that tunnel because the peace isn’t going to last.”
The past few moments and hours were going to last, though. The truth, the kisses, the bubble of comfort amid the ruins. He’d nestle them deep.
Warmth radiating through his bloodstream, he followed her again into the whirling snow.
THIRTEEN
As she and Cullenmoved through the debris, Kit reeled at what she’d shared with him. She’d never told anyone about her miscarriage, or the complete story about what had happened with her parents. Even Mitch had only gotten a cursory version of the events that landed her father in jail. Certainly, she’d never had a deep conversation with anyone on the topic of forgiveness. Actually, she hadn’t had many deep conversations with anyone about anything for as long as she could remember. Yet it had all come tumbling out. Now. With him.
And to top it all off, she’d actually expressed her opinion about his lack of self-forgiveness. She shivered at the recollection, and a cold stone lodged in her stomach. What was wrong with her? She’d overstepped, no doubt, and she wondered why it bothered her so much. Why was it important that Cullen refused himself forgiveness? And why did it comfort her to hear him say aloud what she already knew, that her baby hadn’t been lost because she wasn’t ready to be pregnant? Somehow, it felt comfortable and right to share her most vulnerable thoughts with him afew moments ago. Their struggles were common ground, and she’d been so eager to join him there.
Common ground. Surreal. She tried to shake off the prickly realization as they reached the tunnel hatch, where he picked up the hammer and whacked away at the remaining bolts. They had a job to do, and Mount Ember was in her death throes.
Collected soot streaked everywhere from Cullen’s blows, and her eyes burned and teared above her mask by the time the third bolt gave way. The last stubborn one held on through fifteen strikes. At the moment she offered to take over, it broke loose with a ping. Elation blasted away her fatigue.
She could tell he was grinning behind his mask as widely as she was as he bumped his fist to hers. They reached for the edges of the metal plate and pried it loose, levering it aside. The effort took all their combined strength and left them panting. Together, the two of them stared at a black void punched into the earth. Could it be an escape?
Cool, musty air wafted up from below as they peered in. Kit held her breath. The darkness was impenetrable. Was the passage clogged with earth? Collapsed and impassable? Had all their efforts been an exercise in futility?
Cullen freed a flashlight from his pocket, laid on his belly, and shone it into the maw. She flopped down next to him, adding her light to his. The beams revealed a ladder, rusted in places but appearing intact, bolted into the walls faced in stone. The ladder vanished into the darkness, where their light could not reach.
Still no answers. Was it a passage to survival or a temporary delay until the final destruction of her fragile hope?She’d been terrified all their hard work would reveal only a small storage area, but this was certainly more than that, yet the development held no promises, only uncertainty.
Cullen lit a match from their remaining supply and held it in the gap. The flame wavered. “There’s some air circulating down there so it’s gotta have room to move, right?”
She frowned. “If you say so.”
“Please, I saw this in a movie once. Guy only had a match and an air sick bag, and he handled the wilderness tunnel like a champ.” He fired that cocky grin at her. “I’ll climb down and take a look.” He was already sliding over the edge and two rungs in when she began to protest.
“I’m lighter. Maybe I should—”
“I’ll ignore that rude comment about my girth,” came his muffled reply. “You’re the one that keeps plying me with candy.”
“I’m not...”
